Tarzan's Tripes Forever, and Other Feghoots

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GOD Bless Texas — A Shaggy Tale of the Blessed Land

Category: Rated G

Sue Lemcke and a couple of others recently sent me this tale. (I am sending it to the Callihanicom listserv so that all coming to the convention can know about what to look forward.)


It seems a man in Topeka, Kansas, decided to write a book about churches around the country. He started by flying to San Francisco, and started working East from there. He went to a very large church and began taking photographs, etc. He spots a golden telephone on a wall and is intrigued with a sign which reads, “$10,000 a minute.” Seeking out the pastor he asks about the phone and the sign.

The pastor answers that this golden phone is, in fact, a direct line to Heaven, and if he pays the price he can talk directly to God. He thanks the pastor and continues on his way. As he continues to visit churches in Seattle, Boise, Minneapolis, Chicago, Milwaukee, New York, Atlanta, and on around the United States, he finds more phones, each with the same sign, and the same answer from each pastor.

Finally, he arrives in Texas. Upon entering a church in Austin, Lo and Behold, he sees the usual golden telephone. But THIS time, the sign reads “Calls: 35 cents.” Fascinated, he requests to talk to the pastor.

“Sir, I have been in cities all across the country and in each church I found this golden telephone, and have been told it is a direct line to Heaven and that I could talk to God, but, in the other churches the cost was $10,000 a minute. Your sign reads, “35 cents” a call. Why?”

The pastor, smiling benignly, replies…… “Son, you’re in Texas, now. It’s a local call.”

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