Getting ahead in life

This story comes from Gatotomaso of P.U.N.Y. He received it from his friend Jack Greenleaf in Arizona. I also received it from A version also appeared in Himie Koshevoy’s “Treasure Jest of Best Puns.”

A man is waiting for his wife to give birth. The doctor comes in and informs the dad that his son was born, but he is without torso, arms or legs. Nevertheless, the dad loves his son and raises him as well as he can, with love and compassion.

After 21 years, the son is old enough for his first drink. Dad takes him to the bar and tearfully tells the son he is proud of him. Dad orders up the biggest, strongest drink for his boy. With all the bar patrons looking on curiously and the bartender shaking his head in disbelief, the boy takes his first sip of alcohol. Swoooop! A torso pops out!

The bar is dead silent; then bursts into a whoop of joy. The father, shocked, begs his son to drink again. The patrons chant, “Take another drink!” The bartender still shakes his head in dismay. Swoooop! Two arms pops out. The bar goes wild. The father, crying and wailing, begs his son to drink again. The patrons chant, “Take another drink!”

The bartender ignores the whole affair. By now the boy is getting tipsy, and with his new hands he reaches down, grabs his drink and guzzles the last of it. Swoooop! Two legs pop out. The bar is in chaos.

The father gives thanks to God. The boy stands up on his new legs and stumbles to the left…. then to the right…. right through the front door, into the street, where a truck runs into him and kills him.

The bar falls silent. The father moans in grief. The bartender cleans his glasses and whistles an old Irish tune. The father looks at the bartender in disbelief and asks, “How can you be so cold and callous?”

The bartender says, “That boy should have quit while he was a head.”

Well, as it happens, the very next year, the man had a daughter with the same exact problem – no torso, legs, or arms. And again, once his daughter was 21, he took her to the local Irish bar for a drink. On the first drink, her torso popped out. On the second, her arms. On the third, her legs. On the fourth drink, the man ended up with another son.

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