Tarzan's Tripes Forever, and Other Feghoots

The Web's Original Shaggy Dog Story Archive


Gent-ly evicted?

Category: alt.callahans, Rated G

This was published in alt.callahans over a year ago. It seems even more timely, now.


Liquor is paranomastically inclined again.

Thank goodness October is more than halfway over. There is a local group of Buddhists, and their revered fathers have formed a musical group. Normally I wouldn’t mind, but with Oktoberfest going on, I don’t want to listen to another Om – papa band.

He grins as he hears muttering, and continues.

Ahhh – you cannot tell a tale truly well unless you have good listeners. So – ” (and here, Liquor’s accent takes on a tone reminiscent of Rod Serling) ” – tonight we will tell a quiet family tale….

(Fast Eddie segues into playing the Twilight Zone theme quietly in the background)

Many families have some sort of skeleton in the closet – and since Halloween is fast approaching, we may be able to see what happened with one of those skeletons.

Imagine a couple that has been married for well over 30 years. We’ll call them Homer and Marge. One evening, they have a surprise visitor. We learn that this visitor, Babs, was a friend of Homer’s over twenty years ago. Babs is admitted to the house, and we learn that she has come because Bob’s twenty-something son is in trouble.

Of course, this is rather a surprise to Marge, since she never had a son, and although she knew that Homer liked Babs, he had sworn to her that he had never done more than look at Babs. (In effect, the classic unbelievable ‘We only made love with our eyes!’ routine.)

Naturally, she now considered his tale to be a little cockeyed.

The story proceeds after this minor domestic confrontation, however, and it turns out that the son is an alcoholic, and is being evicted from his apartment because he is behind in his payments. It turns out that a large down payment is required before he can get a new lease, and Babs considers that it would be appropriate for Homer to contribute.

Homer, of course, is reluctant to part with such money – but Marge insists. She is justifying it on the basis that it is the ‘right thing to do’, but really, it is just a minor way of punishing Bob for his indiscretion. The end result is that the drunken son obtains a new lease.

Liquor nods at Eddie, who has already seen the punch line coming, and Eddie switches to the appropriate tune. Various patrons cringe as Liquor then sings –

“There is a souse in newer lease that’s called their eye sins son”

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