Future’s Tense

The two tales told herein are all over the internet. The author of the first one is not known.

It is not well known, but before moving to an island and conducting bizzare DNA experiments, Doctor Moreau was once a prominent audiologist.

He had set up a clinic in the small town of Stapes, France and it wasn’t long before his research led him to discover the means by which even those with severe hearing loss could once again appreciate with clarity the sounds of a symphony, the birds chirping, or even a pin drop, for that matter. The technique was so good, that it actually improved upon natural hearing. The only problem was that it took months for the process to regrow the nerves that led to the auditory canal.

Dr. Hammer, an academic otolaryngologist in the nearby town of Anvil, came to visit Moreau after hearing of his success with the nerve deaf. He inquired about the technique used, but Moreau refused to disclose his technique. Finally, after hours of begging (and much wine) the doctor agreed to take on Hammer as an assistant and teach him the technique. Dr. Hammer however was to close his practice and work exclusively under Moreau. This was acceptable since Hammer was a true academic and desired only to further his knowledge.

Upon learning the technique for regrowth of the acoustic nerve, Hammer applied his experience and together with Moreau devised the means by which complete regrowth could occur in less than 24 hours. It was this technique, by the way that ultimately led to the infamous experiments later to occur on the island of Dr. Moreau.

In Anvil however, people were deprived of the skills of Hammer. Those with hearing problems had nowhere to go. Upon discovery of the town’s needs, Hammer pleaded to be allowed to return to the town, but Moreau refused. He must have his assistant. In an act of kindness and generosity, he told Hammer that any patient of Stapes could come to his clinic and be treated free of charge. This delighted Dr. Hammer who immediately went to the town hall of Stapes and posted this sign:

Hear today! Go to Moreau.

In response, Sam Voeller produced the following topper.

“ARGH!” arghs Sam. “That reminds me of the campfire song about the misbehaving rabbit. Seems he got a few warnings from a fairy that if he kept on his evil ways, she’d change him into a really big, bad malicious creature. Well, the bunny never shaped up, so true to her word, in a puff of magic smoke, the fairy transformed him. And the moral of the story, is, of course:

Hare today, Goon Tomorrow”

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