Tarzan's Tripes Forever, and Other Feghoots

The Web's Original Shaggy Dog Story Archive


Feghoot With Flowers

Category: Original Feghoots, Rated G

Far off in another galaxy was a planet inhabited only by walking, talking flowers. The king, a red carnation, had fallen in love with a common daisy. Unfortunately, she was far below his station, and in addition to having a rather spotty reputation, she posessed an equally spotty education. It was clear she would never fit in with royalty.

The king’s ministers suggested that the only way he could possibly marry this lovely young daisy was to educate her in the ways of higher society. He hired the very best teachers he could find. They drilled her in all the fine arts, taking her to the opera and to the ballet. They introduced her to the best literature, and to philosophy. Every thing they did however, seemed lost on the king’s intended bride. None of the teaching had any effect.

Their efforts continued on and on, but she never showed a glimmer of inteligence. At last, the king, in utter defeat, cried out, “It’s no use! I can lead a horticulture, but I can’t make her think!”


Chip Buckner requests that we attribute this “Feghoot with Flowers” to Dorothy Parker who, turned this punch line in connection with one of the Algonquin Round Table’s party games. The participants would challenge one another to use a particular word in a sentence. When given “horticulture”, Parker uttered the famous phrase.

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