Tarzan's Tripes Forever, and Other Feghoots

The Web's Original Shaggy Dog Story Archive

Effects of Gene Splicing

Category: Gaggle of Groaners listserv, Lists, Rated G

Since it seems that gene-splicing has become a reality, all those old jokes about crossing a parrot with a centipede* are within the realm of possibility. Here are a few examples of what could happen.

Cross an Indian monkey with a vine of the legume family and a plant with yellow cup-shaped flowers and you’ll get a Rhesus Peanut Buttercup.

Cross a Sasquatch and a baboon and you’ll get a Sassoon. An animal that lurks in the suburbs at night, catches unwary women and styles their hair.

Cross an armadillo with a hammerhead shark and you can keep your refrigerator smelling fresh with an Arm & Hammerhead shark.

Cross a male grouse with a female dog and get a bird dog that’s always complaining, a Grouse-and-Bitch.

Cross a parrot with an alligator and when the Parrigator asks you for a cracker, you’d be well advised to give it one.

Cross a sheep dog and a baby of the carp family will get you a Shag-carpette.

Splice the genes of 63,360 inchworms and get a Mile-worm.

An Impossabull is what you get when you make a three-way cross between an impala, a possum and a bull. It’s a 2000 lb. antelope that hangs from trees and drops down on unsuspecting matadors.

Here’s an interesting five-way cross. An Alaskan King Crab, a kingfisher, a jackrabbit, a jackass and a jackal. This gives you a Full House.

Cross a rabbit with an amoeba and you’ll get an Amoebit. It can multiply and divide at the same time.

Cross a grasshopper and a hippopotamus, and you get a Grasshoppapotamus, a short-lived creature that can leap to tremendous heights… once.

Cross a coyote with an ass, and the results are a Doncoyote. This is an ass that brays at windmills and tilts at the moon.

Cross a lion with an ocelot and you get a political animal, the Lialot, close relative to the Cheetalot.

Cross a racehorse with a hog and you get a Thoroughpig.

Cross a sheep with a porcupine and you get a Sheepupine. It not only supplies you with wool but will also knit you a sweater.

Cross a male sheep, a baby sheep, an Australian wild dog and a donkey and get… Aram-alam-ading-donk.

A combination of a lamprey eel and a baboon created at a famous American college gives you the Harvard Lampoon.

A coward and a hyena gives you the laughing stock of the party, the Cowena.

Cross a snake with a canary and you get a bird that sings with a lisp, the Snary.

Cross a lamb with a camel to produce sweaters with bumps (especially for the ladies), the Lamel.

Cross aloe vera with baby’s breath and get the ingredients for the French comeon, Aloebaby.

* A Walkie-Talkie

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