Tarzan's Tripes Forever, and Other Feghoots

The Web's Original Shaggy Dog Story Archive


Dublin my Fortune

Category: Rated G, Shaggy Dogs

I could have sworn we had a version of this ancient shaggy dog, but I couldn’t find it. So the hat tip goes to Mike Franklin’s submission.


One day, in the midst of the Amazon jungle, an explorer called Carstairs found, on a log, a very small, squishy, red creature with lots of legs. Now, Carstairs had never seen anything like this animal before, and so, taking care in case it was poisonous, he carefully put the creature into a small matchbox that he had.

He was so excited about his find that he decided to return to England immediately. So he started the long trek back through the jungle to the river, as the first step towards going home.

After a couple of days of struggling through the jungle, Carstairs noticed that his little red squishy thing with lots of legs had got larger. In fact, it seemed to be about twice as large as it had been when he caught it, but he decided that it probably wouldn’t get any larger.

After hacking his way through more of the jungle on his way back to the river, Carstairs noticed that the little red squishy thing with lots of legs was now much larger than it had been before, and was now almost completely filling the matchbox that he’d put it in, so he carefully took the little red squishy thing with lots of legs out of the matchbox, and put it into an empty tobacco tin that he’d just finished, and carried on working his way towards the river.

On the day that he reached the river, Carstairs found that the little red squishy thing with lots of legs was larger again, and would need a larger container soon, if it kept on growing. Luckily, he had a small carton which had contained food, and so he carefully took the little red squishy thing with lots of legs out of the tobacco tin, and put it into the food carton. Carstairs then built himself a raft, and started sculling down-river, back to civilisation.

The little red squishy thing with lots of legs kept growing, and after a few days on the river, it was getting too big to keep in the food carton, so Carstairs had to empty out his last remaining cardboard box of supplies, and put the little red squishy thing with lots of legs into the cardboard box, and he kept on sculling down the river.

Eventually, of course, Carstairs reached civilisation. By this time, the red squishy thing with lots of legs had grown until it was almost filling the cardboard box that he’d put it in on the river. Not wanting to waste any time, he immediately booked passage back to England, with the red squishy thing with lots of legs, so that he could have it examined by the experts back in England.

So that the ship’s captain would accept it, Carstairs had to put the red squishy thing with lots of legs into some sort of cage or box. He decided that the best thing to put it into would be an old tea-chest, of which the shipping company had many for packing small quantities of goods, so Carstairs took the red squishy thing with lots of legs out of its cardboard box and put it into the tea chest.

Now, sea voyages aren’t very quick, and so the journey took a couple of weeks. During this time, the red squishy thing with lots of legs kept growing, nearly forcing its way out of the tea-chest. After consulting with the captain, Carstairs decided to empty one of the larger packing crates and to put the red squishy thing with lots of legs into that instead of the tea-chest.

By the time they got to England, the red squishy thing with lots of legs had grown bigger again, and was nearly too big to fit into the packing crate. With a sigh of relief, the captain saw it being lifted off his ship, and onto the quayside, where Carstairs met with a group of experts from London Zoo and from the Natural History Museum.

The experts all looked at the big red squishy thing with lots of legs, and umm’ed and err’ed over it, and eventually concluded that none of them had seen anything like it before, but they all took pictures of the big red squishy thing with legs, and wrote out descriptions, and went away to see if they could find anyone who knew about it.

Carstairs didn’t know what to do with the big red squishy thing with lots of legs, so he hired a storage unit at the dockside, and moved it out of the packing crate into the storage unit, because by now it was getting a bit too big for the packing crate.

After a few days, Carstairs received a phone call:

`Carstairs speaking.’

`Hello, Carstairs, this is Professor Winfield of the Natural History Museum. We’ve been looking over our records, and we think we know what your big red squishy thing with lots of legs is.’

`Yes, and what is it? Is it ever going to stop growing?’

`Well, we’ve only got records of one other creature like this being found, and that one was blue, not red, but we think it’s the same species. It’s called a rary, and as far as we can tell, it’s never going to stop growing. The only thing you can do now is to kill it.’

`Kill it? How? We can’t starve it to death — I haven’t fed it since I found it. It just keeps on growing!’

`Well, raries are very tough creatures. The only way you can kill a rary is to push it off the top of Mount Everest.’

`Off Mount Everest?’

`Yes.’

`Well, thank you, Professor.’

So, Carstairs chartered a cargo ship to take the rary to Calcutta. Before they set off, they moved the rary into the largest shipping container they could find for the voyage.

Despite this attempt to keep it contained, the rary grew too large for the shipping container, and by the time they passed Gibraltar, the container was bulging, and even before they saw the entrance to the Suez canal, the rary had burst out of the container, and was sitting on the foredeck of the ship.

The rary kept growing, and after rounding the southern cape of India, the rary was large enough to cause problems on deck. By the time they reached Calcutta, the rary had taken up all of the available space on the deck of the ship. However, they had radioed ahead, and had people ready at the dockside to push the rary off the ship onto the land.

Carstairs hired many elephants to drag the rary across the country to the foothills of the Himalayas. He then hired hundreds of oxen to drag the rary to the base of Mount Everest, and thousands of Sherpas to drag it up to the top of the mountain.

Just as they were about to push the creature off the top of Mount Everest, Carstairs saw that it was shaking all over. Being intrigued as to why, he walked around to the front of the rary, and said, `What are you shaking like that for?’

The rary replied, `I’m laughing!’

`Why are you laughing?’

`Well, it’s a long way to tip a rary.’

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