Doggerel (Pun-Off 2005)

This is an expanded Pun-Off piece for 2005 by Laurie Ann Poole.

DAL: DAL MATION here, K-9 cop, WEST HIGHLAND station with my partner, Molly the COLLIE. This stakeout is a real BORZOI. Echh, my MALTESE all runny. Stale BISCUITS. PACK’S empty, too·No use being MUDI. What a DOG’S life! CHIN up! The sun don’t shine on the same DOG’S behind every day. Let us SPAY: The Lord is my GERMAN SHEPHERD· Bucks me up to see the valor medal of my PAPILLON the dashboard.

I won’t give that burglar a SPORTING chance. How to SPRINGER surprise to COLLAR that PUG-ugly UNDERDOG? Maybe the BOZO FLEABAG’S a real SHAR-PEI, but didn’t use AKITA break in. Entered from the ROOOF through the SKYE-light and CLIPPED the goods. Hmm, how much is that DOGGIE in the window?

I’m TOP DOG on this beat `cause I’m a quick STUDy and keep WORKING like a DOG, but iF-I-DOn’t make this PINSCHER, I’m in the DOGHOUSE. Just a BASSET case over the way that MEXICAN HAIRLESS boss PENNY DOGS me. That BIRDDOG acts so CAVALIER like KING CHARLES or somebody. CRETAN TICKS me off when he GROWLS and CHEWS my butt! The PIT BULL fights me like CATS-AND-DOGS. I refuse to be AL SATION’S LAP DOG on a CHOKE CHAIN. I had hopes ole DOGFACE’d groom me to make Grade One. Unless I’m the LEAD DOG, the view never changes. Oh, for a contract with an escape CLAWS ORI PEI rate that’s PHAROAH what’s the use? Every dog has his day. Wanna hop on a GREYHOUND and build on some NEWFOUNDLAND.

JACK RUSSELL (burglar): Ouch, my DOGS are BARKIN’÷BLUE HEELER! I feel like a lost DOG in a meat house. Ay, CHIHUAHUA, DAM loot’s too heavy to KERRY!

DAL: When a problem comes along, you must WHIPPET. DINGO, am I a LUCKY DOG! Make a note – a plan out of thin AIREDALE. DOGGONE it, my PEMBROKE! I’ll grab my COAT and take a PEKE down the alley and cut across the DOG LEG. HERD some straight POOP from an old SEA DOG down by the DASCHUND it’s not a FUR piece ANATOLIAN I’d SNIFF out that MONGREL punk. Hmm, PYRENEES windows to see if I can SPOT him. SAINT BERNARD and Mother Machree! HIMALAYAN down in that corner! I won’t let that sleeping DOG lie.

PEEKAPOO! You ROOOFLESS LOUSY CUR! I’ve HUNTED you down! You can’t RUMANIAN there like a lost DOG in the high weeds. Quit givin’ me the DOG EYE.

JACK RUSSELL: The DOG’S BOLLOCKS! You’re BARKING up the wrong tree, LICE-RIDDEN FUZZ! I’m not CAIRN what you do, you’ll never RETRIEVER me!

DAL: Hey, HALF-BREED PUP, don’t get COCKER. I’ve got my police DOG, a holy TERRIER. I’ll SETTER loose and she’ll HOUND you to death!

(to Molly Collie) Ewww, his face’s like a BULLDOG chewin’ on a wasp. You’ve caught his SCENT and we’re on that STRAY’S TAIL now. That DIRTY DOG’S RUSSIAN out the back door.

JACK RUSSELL: Oh, SHIH-TZU, a water POODLE. Wretched SPANIEL in the works. Some ROTTWEILER break! Ugggh, I feel as sick as a DOG, gonna RAALFFFF. Throw me a BONE here. Call off your DOG.

DAL: No BEGGIN’! Woo, close SHAVE. (to Molly Collie) Good work, I could KISHU, fair LASSIE! (to Jack Russell) So, TOWSER, thought you OUTFOXED us? (dog toy) FRAYED KNOT. You’re panting like a dog in August. You’re really DOGGED OUT in your COCKAPOO-covered PANTS, wet BOXERS and cuffs! I have the KEESHOND-er. Ha, I’ve read this Miranda so much it’s DOG-EARED. You have the right to be MALAMUTE and retain a legal BEAGLE.

JACK RUSSELL: Okay, BLOODHOUND, you got me. I SALUKI and BOWSER. What say we split the cash? Don’t be a DOG in a manger. These GOLDEN gems oughtta FETCH a fair 8K ö 9, mebbe.

DAL: Watch it, SONUVABITCH, familiarity BREEDS contempt. Let’s see your DOGTAGS. WHELP, JACK RUSSELL, lemme give you a POINTER. After the LAB results, no way you’re gettin’ off SCOTTIE free. Don’t even think you can FLEA custody and DOG it for the BORDER. We’d DOG your every move. See yer sack: enough HAMILTONSTOVARES to burn a wet DOG. Okay, who’s yer fence? And none of this INVISIBLE FENCE crap! Maybe SAMOYED? Who put the green in your POMERANIAN, SWEDISH, SIBERIAN? (into shoulder radio) I’ve got your MAN, CHESTER! He’s FIXED but good!

JACK RUSSELL: I’m no RAT. Don’t TOY with me. Your face would scare a DOG out of a butcher shop. You’re no BULLDOG Drummond or BOSTON BLACKIE! That DOG won’t hunt. Your threats are a MASTIFF pile of DOODOO.

DAL: Don’t BARBET on it. TIBETAN and have a surefire LHASA APSOlutely make no BONES about it. Poor BOW-WOW, it’s a DOG-EAT-DOG world. You’re no RUFFFF HUSKY guy. WEIMERANER can’t you give me a reason? Tell it to those YELLOW DOG reporters, WEINER. Don’t hire a DOG to do your own BARKING like talking a DOG off a meat wagon. You’re crooked as a DOG’S hind leg.

JACK RUSSELL: I won’t DANE to reply. It’s like two FLEAS arguing who owns the DOG. (spits)

DAL: No SPITZ! Yeah, MUTTER, MUTTER, don’t let yer whimpering tongue wag. Rotten HEEL, just wipe that HANGDOG expression off your mug. Sometimes you’re the hydrant and sometimes you’re the DOG. BASENJI to County, you’ll be stuck in a CAGE and they’ll keep you WELL-TRAINED, on a short LEASH. CANAAN’S too good for ya. Hey, Jack, when you lie down with DOGS, you get up with FLEAS! Soon you’ROVER it. Book `im, MOONDOGGIE! HARRIER you gonna put the MAD-DOG in the car? ESKIMO questions about the caper, DOBERMAN. WIRE HAIR FOX, tell him I did McNAB that bad puppy. IBIZAN the clink as the new BOTTOM DOG! FINNISH, end of story!

Hear that SIRE-n wail. SCRATCH another one. Who says you can’t teach an old DOG new tricks? Just leave that DOG END alone, POOCH. Eat your own DOG FOOD. Enough of the DOG-and-pony show for now. MOSCOW. HOWL- ate d’ya s’pose it is? Girl, am I DOG-TIRED! I’m ready to take lost time, put on the DOG, wear a THAI and step out with MI-KI, that CATAHOULA dancer.

Good COLLIE, Miss Molly, I’m DOG HUNGRY. Time for the DOG WAGON. Stomach’s GNAWING at me. HUNGARIAN like a BIG DOG. I’m NEUTER this area ö where’s the nearest DOG CHEAP CHOW? Hot diggedy DOG, BITE some chili cheese BUN PUPS, YORKSHIRE pudding, CHESAPEAKE BAY seafood, or even a LEONBERGER, BELGIAN waffles, no, too SWEDISH. The KUGSHA makes it tasty. Just WOLF it down! Gimmee the HAIR OF THE DOG, hmmm, WHINE KOOLIE, BORDEAUX, no· a NIPPER of BLACK RUSSIAN or IRISH RED LICKER. The PAWS to refresh.

I wouldn’t send a DOG out on a night like this. BICHON FRISE-in’ as a THREE-DOG NIGHT, a far cry from a DOG DAY afternoon. Get under SHELTIE before it pours CATS-AND-DOGS. Later, we’ll listen to BRITTANY and get our DOG NAP under the AFGHAN. LAIKA that, my old DOG for the hard road?

That’s my SHAGGY DOG TALE for today, just the TALE DOGGING THE WAG.

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