Tarzan's Tripes Forever, and Other Feghoots

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Cynthia MacGregor’s Roast (May 2006)

Category: Rated G

By Alan B. Combs.

Cynthia MacGregor is the Punster of the Year (P.O.T.Y.) for 2005- 2006. It is traditional for previous winners to roast the new awardee the night before the O. Henry PunOff.


My part is much more a fan letter than a roast. Clearly, Cynthia MacGregor is not a turkey to be roasted — but, what is she, exactly? That’s what I’ve been thinking about.

I know she is a Miami Dolphin fan, but I would bet she is a Miami basketball fan, also. It would be like her to be in favor of the Heat of the Night.

Speaking of basketball, Kobe Bryant has been very quiet this year, other than scoring — in an acceptable manner. Speaking of scoring, I guess the $4 million diamond he bought his wife worked as a piece offering.

I have it on good authority that Cyn is not into Rock Music. I suppose that means she didn’t pay attention to the recent headlines about P. Diddy (Combs), Eminem, the late Tupak Shakur, and 50-Cents. They were headlining a local music festival and there was an azure haze all over the city. The people were inspired to call it Rap City in Blue.

Wanting to know more about our Dear Lady of the Evening, our roastee, I went to Amazon.com to see how many books she had listed.

So prolific. I found sixty-five. I am so blown away. And I found most of the titles to be family and child-enhancement oriented. But some of the titles do make me a little suspicious:

“Mommy, I’m Bored: 127 Fun-Filled and Educational Games Your Child Can Play Alone”

Do we really want our child playing alone that much?

“Little Indulgences: More Than 400 Ways to Be Good to Yourself”

Hmmmm. Chocolate and Good Wine or Beer? That leaves 397 more way to be good to myself. The mind boggles. — I forgot, “Boggle” is one of those educational games.

Cyn has been so busy writing and punning, she should be categorized as a Manic Impressive. If she wrote fantasies, I would say she must be a creature of Hobbit.

I should tell her that here in Texas, we are very involved in cattle and meat production. We are always looking to breed more and more efficient livestock. Recently, our friends down the road in Aggieland (by the way Aggieland swings like a pendulum do) tried crossing a strain of those honking, noisy barnyard fowl with a strain of very dark colored cattle. You may have heard of our Black Angoose.

Cyn has written some very serious works, also.

Raising a Creative Child: Challenging Activities and Games for Young Minds

Why Do People Die?: Helping Your Child Understand With Love and Illustrations

Stranger Danger (from The Abduction Prevention Library)

When I Grow Up I Want to Be a Writer

Dear Cyn, I am so proud we have you with us.

You may also be aware that Cyn writes some of the most sweetly steaming haiku, such that one would be privileged to read it only in deep, sincere privacy. This has made me a tad suspicious of some of her other book titles.

I found An Appetite for Passion listed on Amazon.com. Hmmmm.

Our Cyn is a bilingual creature. She has written:

Juegos y Actividades para Realizar en Familia [games and activities for the family]

We used to call this family fun in a Kentucky hillbilly sort of way.

I won’t mention her “I Love You” book, though I’m tempted to do so.

Finally, there’s: Vamos a La Cama. (Let’s go to Bed)

Thanks, My Dear, I thought you would never ask.

Blessings upon you, Cyn. I am a fan!

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