Tarzan's Tripes Forever, and Other Feghoots

The Web's Original Shaggy Dog Story Archive

Curmudgeon’s Valentine’s Day!

Category: P.U.N.Y. listserv, Poetry, Rated G

This was posted on PUNY by Kirk Miller; it’s very much like the old comic valentines.

The following are entries to a contest by The Washington Post, in which respondents had to write a two-line romantic poem…except that the last line had to be as un-romantic as the first line was romantic:

1. My darling, my lover, my beautiful wife:
Marrying you sure screwed up my life.

2. I see your face when I am dreaming.
That’s why I always wake up screaming.

3. Kind, intelligent, loving and hot;
This describes everything you are not.

4. Love may be beautiful, love may be bliss,
But I only slept with you because I was pissed.

5. I thought that I could love no other —
that is, until I met your brother.

6. Roses are red, violets are blue,
sugar is sweet, and so are you.
But the roses are wilting,
the violets are dead,
the sugar bowl’s empty
and so is your head.

7. I want to feel your sweet embrace
But don’t take that paper bag off your face.

8. I love your smile, your face, and your eyes
Damn, I’m good at telling lies!

9. My love, you take my breath away.
What have you stepped in to smell this way?

10. My feelings for you no words can tell,
Except for maybe “Go to hell.”

11. What inspired this amorous rhyme?
Two parts vodka, one part lime.

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