Tarzan's Tripes Forever, and Other Feghoots

The Web's Original Shaggy Dog Story Archive


Chocolate

Category: alt.callahans, Rated G

By Jacob Sommer [lensman@earthlink.net] on alt.callahans.


Jacob sits back, sipping some of his lemonade and sighs thoughtfully after listening to Hawke’s tale of wonder.

I haven’t told you folks many tales about Grandpa Sommer, have I? Now, he’s not anything like a Stonebender, but he was a mighty fine chemist. He ran his own pharmacy – chemist shoppe to those of you in England.

Grandpa Sommer liked to experiment. He made a working cold cure back in the 1930s – this is truth, Dad still has his secret formulae. But the one Dad’s told me about most is the one that changes food.

Changes Food?!?

Yup. You see, Grandpa could be a bit of a gourmet at times. Thing is he was also something of a health food type. Yup, he took vitamins and watched his weight and pinched pounds with the best of ’em, but he had a great weakness for chocolate.

I love chocolate – smooth creamy rich lovely tasty delightful chocolate. Dad says I get it from Mom’s side. Hmpf.

Grandpa Sommer decided that he needed to kick his chocolate habit. He tried quitting cold but he would sleepwalk to his store, downstairs from his apartment, to eat candy bars. He tried drugs he designed to reduce cravings but found himself always distracted by Bubbe bringing him hot chocolate. He tried carob – yuck. Dad tried the carob trick on my sister and me when we were kids and we weren’t happy with it, either.

He finally decided he needed the flavor and some of the texture while getting rid of the fat and some of the calories. So he experimented and chose nuts for the foodstuff to change. Why nuts? Protein, some useful fats and he liked the flavor. The nut that looked most promising in his research was the hazelnut, so he stuck with it.

After many moons of research, Eureeka! He chemically changed some hazelnuts so that they smelled and tasted and even had some of the mouth feel of milk chocolate with hazelnut infusion! Sure, the shells and meat of the nuts had darkened some but that was minor.

He decided he had to show Bubbe, Dad and my Aunt, so he brought them up a bag after dinner one night. My Aunt, Dad’s older sister, asked, “What’s in the bag, Daddy?”

Grandpa Sommer said with a twinkle in his eye, “I’ve got a lovely cocoa bunch of nuts for you!”

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