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A Tall Ship Tale #89: Signs Of The Thames

Paul DeAnguera’s epic puns continue.

Tenderly, with every respect due to great warriors from greater, the crew of the H.M.S. Legume conveyed defeated punster Hugo Phirst and the other Americans back across the Chesapeake to the U.S.S. Groundpea. “Shock and bleeding at the ears,” Emma Talligeist advised the American ship’s doctor. “Also several concussions from smacking their own foreheads.” They made the invalids as comfortable as they could. Then Emma returned and the Legume aimed its bowsprit toward the Atlantic. … Read the rest...

Nine Dangerous Words Women Use

This chapter in the War Between the Sexes came from the groanerslistserv.

1.) FINE:

This is the word women use to end an argument when they are right and you need to shut up.


If she is getting dressed, this means a half an hour. Five minutes is only five minutes if you have just been given five more minutes to watch the game before helping around the house.


This is the calm before the

Read the rest...

The Ambidexterous Golfer

This rude little tale was published on the groaners listserv a few years ago.

Four lawyers in a law firm lived and died for their Saturday morning round of golf. It was their favorite moment of the week. Then one of the lawyers was transferred to an office in another city. It wasn’t quite the same without him.

A new woman lawyer joined their law firm. One day she overheard the remaining three talking about their golf round in the … Read the rest...

A Tall Ship Tale #88: Seven Jeers in Tibet

From Paul DeAnguera.

The unexpected American counter-attack had devastated the British champion. Gasping and bleeding from the ears, the stupefied First Mate shook his head helplessly when urged to retake the stage. “Pull down your union jack, then,” Captain Blight ordered, “And form a line by the starboard rail, prisoners of war!”

“Wait!” called a voice, and a distinguished looking Chinese man in an embroidered red silk robe stepped onto the main hatch cover. It was Wang Mang, able seaman … Read the rest...

*Two Loopholes

From the groaners listserv.

In the late 1800s, not wanting to be outdone by American rodeo, an English chap decided to become a rodeo star. Not having a horse or any cattle, he cast about for some way to perform. His vocation was building outhouses, and he had several samples behind his home. He had also installed a couple of standing gas lamps in his yard. As a start, he decided that lassoing these objects would be good practice. After … Read the rest...

A Tall Ship Tale #87: Things Could Be Verse

The continuation of Paul DeAnguera’s epic.

For a while it looked as if the British champion had won the day. But at length Hugo Phirst staggered up from his circle of Yankee handlers. Waving away any further assistance, he walked unsteadily across the H.M.S. Legume’s main deck to the hatch cover and stepped up onto it to deliver the American reply to the First Mate’s attack:


There was a Beggar in the company
That Geoffrey never spoke of; nor … Read the rest...

A Tall Ship Tale #86: Now Hair This

More from Paul DeAnguera.

The combined crews of the H.M.S. Legume and the U.S.S. Groundpea thought their dueling champions had done each other about equal damage so far. But now the First Mate stepped up on the main hatch cover to unleash one of his deadliest rounds:


Once upon a time there lived a girl whose powers of speech were legendary. She could win any argument, any debate, and any election with a speech that was masterful and compelling, … Read the rest...

Animals in a Bar

From the groaners listserv.

There are many different animals in a bar. The bartender comes over at the end of the night …

The skunk says ‘Don’t look at me, I haven’t got a scent’

The duck says ‘Just put it on my bill’

The cow says ‘You’ll have to ask one of the udders’

The deer says ‘I had a buck last week and I’m expecting a little doe soon’

The frog says, “I’ve got one greenback”

The vampire … Read the rest...

The Stick and the Stone

Posted on the groaners listserv.

The legend is told in India about a stick and a stone that were of some small service to a Hindu holy man. Out of gratitude he offered to transform them into any object they desired.

The solid stone wanted to be a strongbox or safe to hold the holy man’s sacred relics. The vain stick indicated it wanted to become a Hindu woman’s beautiful gown or sari.

Thus it came to pass: the stone … Read the rest...

Ethical Behavior for Patients

From the groaners listserv. My father would have greatly appreciated this one. Thanks, Dad.

Involvement with the patient’s suffering might cause him/her to lose valuable scientific objectivity.

Your doctor leads a busy and trying life and requires all the gentleness and reassurance he/she can get.

Remember that your doctor has a professional reputation to … Read the rest...

Current Events — Interage Marriage

This ia a pun cascade from P.U.N.Y.

Playboy Founder Hugh Hefner Engaged to 24-Year-Old

The 84-year-old announces his engagement to model Crystal
Harris on Twitter.

The above – seriously! – is from today’s news.

I can guess what wedding gifts they’ll exchange: She’ll give
him an Erector set, and he’ll give her a do-it-yourself kit.

Charles Wukash

A bunny thing happened on the way to the nursing home.

Gary Hallock

I thought young gal would play boy, man shun.

Chris … Read the rest...

A Tall Ship Tale #85: Son of a Gun

Another story from Paul DeAnguera.

Having failed to change the course of the War of 1812, the H.M.S. Legume fled down the Potomac to Chesapeake Bay — only to find the way to the Atlantic blocked by her nemesis, the U.S.S. Groundpea. Through their brass telescopes, the officers on the quarter-deck studied the enemy frigate uneasily. She had changed somewhat since they had last seen the Groundpea in Giza, a large black tube now stood up from the main deck.… Read the rest...

Rules — Christmas Cookies and Calories

A seasonal posting from the groaners listserv.

Christmas Cookie Rules

1. If you eat a Christmas cookie fresh out of the oven, it has no calories because everyone knows that the first cookie is the test and thus calorie free.

2. If you drink a diet soda after eating your second cookie, it also has no calories because the diet soda cancels out the cookie calories.

3. If a friend comes over while you’re making your Christmas cookies and needs … Read the rest...

A Tall Ship Tale #84: Burning Down The House

Paul Anguera continues his tale.

With the year dial of its chronomotor restored to 1812, the flying frigate H.M.S. Legume now proceeded across-country to the enemy capital. Drifting northward from the tidal basin, the ship cast a monstrous shadow over the memorial to the treasonous signers of the Declaration of Independence, the Society of the D.A.R. Library and the Zero Milestone. They heard musketfire in the distance, and saw Redcoats slipping through the rush-hour traffic on E Street. “What’s that … Read the rest...

A Tall Ship Tale #83: Turning the Tables

Another entry from Paul DeAnguera.

“That business in Jamaica was a terrible trial,” the First Mate said to Captain Quid, luxuriating in his ability to use the letter “A” again. They were standing on the quarter-deck of the H.M.S. Legume by the starboard rail, watching the Mississippi shoreline drift past.

“Mentioning trials, we’ve got to arrange a trial for Sir Hillary before he escapes again.”

“Good idea. But where would we get a judge?”

“We can do better than a … Read the rest...

Holiday Merger — Chanukah and Christmas

This tale appeared on the groaners listserv at this time of the season for several years.

Continuing the current trend of large-scale mergers and acquisitions, it was announced today at a press conference that Christmas and Chanukah will merge. An industry source said that the deal had been in the works for about 1300 years, ever since the rise of the Muslim Empire.

While details were not available at press time, it is believed that the overhead cost of having … Read the rest...

A Tall Ship Tale #82: The Full Montego

Paul DeAnguera nears the end of his epic.

The First Officer noted his chief posed morosely in the coolness under the jib on the H.M.S. Legume’s port bow. “You seem troubled, sir,” he offered.

“Do you know why we’ve come to the West Indies?” Quid suddenly inquired.

“For the birds,” he recited, “for whose subtle drug-like pheromones the Chinese would pup… pup… would give much gold!”

“But the risk?” he growled.

“Only the loss of one vowel, sir,” sighed the … Read the rest...

A Tall Ship Tale #81: Hooked on Phoenix

Another punishing episode from Paul DeAnguera.

One morning some 120 years ago, the little town of Phoenix climbed out of its collective beds, glanced out its windows and shouted for joy. “Rain at last!” For a huge shadow lay across the thirsty desert. But when they looked up and saw that it was just a flying square-rigger, the smiles changed to curses and many fists were shaken at the wooden ship in the sky.

So Acting Sheriff Jack Swilling was … Read the rest...

The Crusading Nun

This ender tale of temperance was posted on the groaners listserv. It has the flavor of an old story, but I was not familiar with it.

A guy was in New York on a business trip and decided to head to a local bar for a drink. Standing outside the bar was a nun holding a tin cup.

As the man threw a few bucks into her cup the nun launched into a long tirade about the evils of alcohol. … Read the rest...

Snow White

This was posted by Stan Kegel on the groaners listserv. It sticks in my mind that I had a version of this one, but I cannot find any documentation of such.

Snow White received a camera as a gift. She joyfully took many pictures of the Dwarves, the forest, the animals, etc. She quickly finished her first roll, and immediately took the film into town to be developed.

“How long before they’re ready?” Snow asked the clerk.

He informed her … Read the rest...

Thanksgiving Weather Forecast

This was posted by Stan Kegel onto the groaners listserv.

Turkeys will thaw in the morning, then warm in the oven to an afternoon high near 190F. The kitchen will turn hot and humid, and if you bother the cook, be ready for a severe squall or cold shoulder.

During the late afternoon and evening, the cold front of a knife will slice through the turkey, causing an accumulation of one to two inches on plates. Mashed potatoes will drift … Read the rest...

A Tall Ship Tale #80: Isthmus Be The Place

The eightieth episode from Paul DeAnguera.

As the H.M.S. Legume approached South America, Emma peered eastward from the crow’s nest. “How are you doing up there?” the First Mate called impatiently.

“Chile!” she called out, not attending to him.

“Do you want your astrakhan?” he asked.

“Camana!” she shouted, which might have led to a misunderstanding. But at this point there was a general outcry as land came into view from the frigate’s deck. Soon they dropped anchor outside of … Read the rest...

The Thanksgiving Riddles

Spanking clean riddles for Thanksgiving. Yea. These were posted by Stan Kegel on several of his listservs.

If April showers bring May flowers, what do May flowers bring?

What key has legs and can’t open doors?
A Turkey.

Why did the turkey cross the road?
It was the chicken’s day off.

If the Pilgrims were alive today, what would they be most famous for?
Their age

Why can’t you take a turkey to church?
Because they use such fowl … Read the rest...

TSA Slogans

Right up to the minute, these come from the groaners listserv. Take care of your cars, folks. Seriously!

Grope discounts available.

Can’t see London, can’t see France, unless we see your underpants.

If we did our job any better, we’d have to buy you dinner first.

Only we know if Lady Gaga is really a lady.

Don’t worry, my hands are still warm from the last guy.

Throw a few back at the airport Chili’s and you won’t even notice.… Read the rest...

Do you speak Turkish?

This Thanksgiving sequence is from the groaners listserv:

What does a turkey say:
Gobble, Gobble, Gobble.

What does a turkey with a sore throat say?
Gargle, Gargle, Gargle.

What does a turkey with club feet say?
Hobble, Hobble, Hobble.

What does a dyslexic turkey say?
Boggle, Boggle, Boggle.

What does a turkey with a lame leg say?
Waddle, Waddle, Waddle

What does a turkey with a bladder problem say?
Puddle, Puddle, Puddle

What does a turkey with an invisible handicap … Read the rest...