All posts in category Gaggle of Groaners listserv

Thanksgiving Night

A timely item from the groaners listserv.

T’was the night of Thanksgiving,
but I just couldn’t sleep…
I tried counting backwards,
I tried counting sheep.

The leftovers beckoned…the dark meat and white,
but I fought the temptation with all of my might.
Tossing and turning with anticipation,
the thought of a snack became infatuation.

So, I raced to the kitchen, flung open the door
and gazed at the fridge, full of goodies galore.
I gobbled up turkey and buttered potatoes,… Read the rest...

Corporate Planning

Another venerable tale from the groaners listserv.

The Corporate Plan

From the Book of Corporate Life. Chapter 1,   verses1-15:

1. In the beginning was the Plan.

2. And then came the Assumptions.

3. And the Assumptions were without form.

4. And the Plan was without Substance.

5. And darkness was upon the face of the Workers.

6. And the Workers spoke among themselves saying, “It is a crock of  
shit and it stinks.”

7. And the Workers went unto their … Read the rest...

New Alphabet for the Elderly

This is from bwjokes and the groaners listserv. It does not tell a happy tale.

A’s for arthritis;

B’s the bad back,

C’s the chest pains, perhaps car-di-ac?

D is for dental decay and decline,

E is for eyesight, can’t read that top line!

F is for fissures and fluid retention,

G is for gas which I’d rather not mention.

H high blood pressure–I’d rather it be low;

I for incisions with scars you can show.

J is for joints, … Read the rest...

Today’s Stock Market Report

This is from the groaners listserv.

Helium was up,

Feathers were down.

Paper was stationary.

Fluorescent tubing was dimmed in light trading.

Knives were up sharply.

Cows steered into a bull market.

Pencils lost a few points.

Hiking equipment was trailing.

Elevators rose, while escalators continued their slow decline.

Weights were up in heavy trading.

Light switches were off.

Mining equipment hit rock bottom.

Diapers remain unchanged.

Shipping lines stayed at an even keel.

The market for raisins dried up.… Read the rest...

Effects of Gene Splicing

Since it seems that gene-splicing has become a reality, all those old jokes about crossing a parrot with a centipede* are within the realm of possibility. Here are a few examples of what could happen.

Cross an Indian monkey with a vine of the legume family and a plant with yellow cup-shaped flowers and you’ll get a Rhesus Peanut Buttercup.

Cross a Sasquatch and a baboon and you’ll get a Sassoon. An animal that lurks in the suburbs at night, … Read the rest...

The Agent

From the groaners listserv.

A secret agent was sent to Ireland to pick up some very sensitive
information from an agent called Murphy. His instructions were to
walk around town using a code phrase until he met his fellow agent.
He found himself on a desolate country road and finally ran into a

“Hello, said the agent, “I’m looking for a man called Murphy.”

“Well you’re in luck,” said the farmer, “as it happens, there’s a
village right over … Read the rest...

Why Did the Chicken Cross the Road?

From the groaners listserv.

Why did the chicken cross the road? The biblical perspective:


     And G-d appeared to me and said, Abraham, Abraham, take the chicken, thy only chicken, that thou lovest, and take it across the road…

The Bible:

     (1) And God came down from the heavens, and He said unto the chicken, “Thou shalt cross the road.” And the Chicken crossed the road, and there was much rejoicing.

     (2) And so the Lord he spoke to the … Read the rest...

The Twelve Night’s of HALLOWEEN…

This parody was posted on the groaners listserv

On the first night of Halloween My true love gave to me… A vulture
in a dead tree!

On the second night of Halloween My true love gave to me… Two
flying bats And a vulture in a dead tree!

On the third night of Halloween My true love gave to me… Three
black cats, Two flying bats, And a vulture in a dead tree!

On the fourth night of Halloween My … Read the rest...

Halloween Riddles

Topical and Halloween-timely from the groaners listserv, some of these are very ancient, indeed.

What did the mother ghost say to the baby ghost?
Put your boos and shocks on.

What do you call a skeleton that won’t get out of bed?
Lazy Bones

What did the wicked chicken lay?
Deviled eggs.

What do you get if you cross Jesse James and Dracula?
A robbery at the blood bank.

What was the werewolf’s first name?
Harry (Gary Hallock)

What’s black, … Read the rest...

The Night Before Halloween

This was posted on the groaners listserv. I fits with all the other Night Before Christmas parodies.

(Author Unknown)

‘Twas the night before Halloween
and all through the crypt
EVERY creature was stirring
(except one bat who got gypped).

The monsters had gathered
to plan and prepare,
for the trick-or-treaters
who soon would be there.

Mummies unraveled and put on new wraps.
Spiders found corners and spun silky traps.
Count Dracula grinned and slicked back his hair.
Frankenstein’s bride cried, … Read the rest...

The LeTourneau Wedding-Plan Tips

This helpful information for Cajun wedding planners comes from the groaners listserv.

The Top 18 Mary Kay LeTourneau Wedding-Planning Tips:

18Save honeymoon money by staying at Howard Johnson’s, where kids stay free!

17Be sure to bring a few Game Boys so the groomsmen don’t get bored during the ceremony.

16“Let’s see, there’s Mary Kay, her two kids, Vili’s adolescence … What’s blue? Wait — the prison guard’s uniform!”

15To ensure that guests of all ages have

Read the rest...

The Death of Dracula

This rude little tale has been around. This version was on the groaners listserv.

Dracula dies and he went to the Pearly Gates to meet God. God refused to let Dracula in because of all the sins that he had done going around sucking blood & killing. “I’ll give you a chance to redeem your sins”, said God “I’ll send you back to earth, but not in a human form. You can be reincarnated into any other living thing of … Read the rest...

Halloween Humor in a Jugular Vein*

From the groaners listserv and from the book referenced below.

We all love to travel, and vampires, too, need their rest and relaxation. So Count Dracula went on a tour of Europe.

Having not had a meal since he’d left the homeland of Transylvania, he was very glad when a town constable knocked on his hotel door and asked the count to show him his passport. It didn’t take Dracula long to grab the policemen and suck every drop of … Read the rest...

Owl’s Well That Ends Well!

This was posted by Jerry Ulett on the groaners listserv.

One warm afternoon an owl was flying around and needed to rest so he purchased on a window sill. As luck would have it, it was the open window of a hospital where an operation was in progress and the owl got a whiff of the anesthetic, causing him to fall into the building and onto the floor.

The surgery had just ended and the doctor, hearing the sound of … Read the rest...

The Octogenarian

This is from the groaners listserv.

An 80-year old man was having his annual check-up and the doctor asked him how he was feeling.

“I’ve never been better!” he boasted. “I’ve got an eighteen year old bride who’s pregnant and having my child! What do you think about that?”

The doctor considered this for a moment, then said, “Let me tell you a story. I knew a guy who was an avid hunter. He never missed a season.  But one … Read the rest...

A Halloween Love Story

Published on the P.U.N.Y and the groaners listserv, this tender tale is by the incomparable punster Gary Hallock.

An ugly old minister, Hume
Too many dark peas did consume
     It killed him, that’s shown
     That’s why he’s now known
As preacher from the black legume

One night under bloody full moon
The time of the month made for woo’in
     Hume went on the prowl
     And heard his ghoul howl
And knew he cadaver real soon

Hume asked her “Would you

Read the rest...

Halloween Definitions

From the Gaggle of Groaners Listserve and the Yahoo pun group.

Bobbing Apples: What happens when you jog without a bra.

Boogieman: The guy who passes time at a stoplight picking his nose.

Coffin: What you do when you get a piece of popcorn stuck in your

Frankenstein: Hot dog and a mug of beer.

Full Moon: What your repairman reveals when he bends over to fix your

Goblin: How you eat the snickers bars you got for

Read the rest...

Teenagers Are Like Cats

From the groaners listserv.

Teenagers Are Like Cats

How so? Well, consider:

Neither teenagers nor cats turn their heads when you call them by name.

No matter what you do for them, it is not enough. Indeed, all humane efforts are barely adequate to compensate for the privilege of waiting on them hand and foot.

You rarely see a cat walking outside of the house with an adult human being, and it can be safely said that no teenager in

Read the rest...

The Vegetable Race

This from the groaners listserv.

A broccoli, a tomato, and a yam were running in a race.

The broccoli got off to a great start, but being a green runner, didn’t
have the strength to finish the race.

The yam and the tomato were neck and neck for the first stretch, but the tomato quickly fell behind.

The yam was about to reach the end of the track, but collapsed in
exhaustion right before the finiish line.

In the course … Read the rest...

The Drinker’s Alphabet

Clearly not politically correct, but funny; this comes from the groaners listserv and many others.

A- Alcohol: The key to surviving High School or College

B- Beer: It’s what’s for dinner…and breakfast and lunch

C- Class: What you’re supposed to get up and go to after last night’s party

D- Dancing: A favorite pastime of almost every drunk, usually looks pathetic

E- Emergency: The keg is empty or there is no one over 21 in your drinking party

F- Fucked … Read the rest...

Halloween Humor — The Grave

From the groaners and the Jest For Kids listservs.

A man worked nights and his workplace was on one side of a cemetery and he lived on the opposite side? He was very afraid of ghosts and rather than walk through the cemetery at night, he walked two or three miles around it. Both ways.

This went on for a couple of years. One day, he said to himself, “What am I afraid of?” That night he walked through the … Read the rest...

Communication Gap

As is the case of so many of these, this is from the groaners listserv.

.       HER DIARY:

Saturday night I thought he was acting weird. We had made plans to meet at a bar to have a drink.

I was shopping with my friend all day long, so I thought he was upset at the fact that I was a bit late, but he made no comment. Conversation wasn’t flowing so I suggested that we go somewhere quiet so … Read the rest...

The Contest

From the groaners and shaggy dog listservs.

Two cadets at an Arizona Air force academy were bragging in their off time about what good hunters they were. Well, it seems that they decided to have a contest, and whoever won the contest would be accounted the better hunter. To make the things a little more interesting, they each put up a pint of the best whiskey they could find.

There had been rumors that a lion had escaped the local … Read the rest...

Halloween Riddles Part 3

Continuing the Halloween Riddles.

Why did the witches’ team lose the baseball game?
     Their bats flew away (Gary Hallock)

What would you call the ghost of a door-to-door salesman?
     A dead ringer.

What do you call two witches living together?

What would you find on a haunted beach?
     A sand witch.

Why does the Mummy keep his Band-aids in the refrigerator?
     He wants to use them later for cold cuts!

How do ghosts begin letters?
     “Tomb it may concern”… Read the rest...

Newspaper Headlines

This from the groaners listserv.

A rich newspaper owner decided to give his business to one of his three sons. He told them that he would give the paper to the one who could come up with the most sensational headline with no more than four words.

The following is what they came up with:

The first son came up with a four word headline: BUSH SUPPORTS UNLIMITED ABORTIONS!

The second son responded: AL QAEDA BECOMES CHRISTIAN!

The winner was … Read the rest...