All posts in category Rated G

How clothes can you come?

This was posted very recently on alt.callahans by the punster Liquor.

Liquor is not sure if anyone here has ever heard of the great oriental Temple of Humor. “That’s just about as likely as this ball,” he says throwing a small rubber ball over his left shoulder as he speaks, “not bouncing.”

The ball manages to land on the plate of a patron near the back of the bar – and sticks to whatever was there. “Nosh hit, sheer luck,” … Read the rest...

Madonna in Henna

Nozz (AKA Tim Williams) posted this variant on a theme on alt.callahans. The author is unknown. The earliest version I found on the internet was as a “knock knock” joke.

And now for a short love story…

I used to know two hens named Tina and Marge and we had a lot of fun together. But, when I met my true love, Martha, I called them up on the phone and said, “I’ve met the love of my life. I … Read the rest...

Lordly Pun

I have tried (a lot) to sanitize this one and still retain the flavor. I received it from Mitch who should still get the credit/blame.

Moishe, the tailor, was busy at his shop one day when in walked Jesus. Jesus said he needed to be fitted for a new robe. Moishe measures Him and asks, “Well Lord, I suppose you want the same type robe I’ve made for you before?”

Jesus replies, “Yes, that will be fine, Moishe.”

Then Moishe … Read the rest...

Feghoot and the Vampires

This was posted by Betty Johnson on alt.humor.puns. I have not been able to determine if it is one of the original Feghoots.

I believe one episode had Feghoot travel into the future with a couple of vampires, who discovered to their dismay that the only life form existing on the planet was a race of giant turnips. Feghoot survived, but his traveling companions both died.

As everyone knows, you can’t . . .… Read the rest...

Roche’s Limit

My fraternity brother, ConnieGS sent me this one. Such a sweet, innocent child….

Every night, Frank would go down to the liquor store, get a six-pack, bring it home, and drink it while he watched TV. One night, as he finished his last beer, the doorbell rang. He stumbled to the door and found a six-foot cockroach standing there. The bug grabbed him by the collar and threw him across the room, then left.

The next night, after he finished … Read the rest...

The Playground

This is an original from Stan Kegel.

I took my two sons, ages seven and five, to the playground at our local park. My seven year old was very proud as he was able to read the sign with all the rules to his brother. “Do not jump on the merry-go-round when in motion.” “Go down the slide while sitting only.” “Only one child on a swing at a time.”

There were about twenty rules and the boys promised to … Read the rest...

Overtime for Stuntmen

A version of this pun is in Crosbie’s Dictionary Of Puns and another variant is in Himie Koshevoy’s “Treasure Jest of Best Puns.”

A Hollywood stuntman who could perform any deed was hired to perform in a thrilling Western movie. The script called for the stuntman to become a kind of springboard. To help the white settlers escape from the persuing Indians, the script called for the daredevil to lie on a cliff’s edge and push out as far as … Read the rest...

Deep Six for Deep Space Nine

Another original creation (by Chris Cole)……shrugs shoulders….oh well.

This seaon’s final episode of Star Trek — Deep Space Nine will involve having Dax (Curzon Dax, to be exact) single-handedly devising a clever strategy, wherein she/he will use her/his impressive Trill abilities to foil the entire enemy armada in one fell swoop. In the episode’s closing scene, Dax will savor the climactic battle’s sweet conclusion by breaking into a beautiful, joyous song. Quark will close out the episode in his usual … Read the rest...

Helsinki Discords

by Alan B. Combs

For many of the patrons of the alt.callahans, it is time to go into hibernation for four or five months. For others, life begins this week. Happy, happy, joy, joy — real NFL football is back!

Though, it must be admitted that there are a few souls for whom it is not true, there are those lucky ones for whom footballness is next to godliness. The rabid nature of support for one’s preferred team, the elation … Read the rest...

Journalist’s Pitch

I received this from Steve Brown. Very nice.

Not many of you realize that, just after graduating from NMSU, I had a short stint in the minor leagues as a pitcher (although, those of you who have been on the receiving end of one of my snowballs may have suspected that).

But, this one memory of an otherwise-unillustrious career does come to mind.

In my first start for the New Mexico Tumbleweeds (just barely semi-pro), the leadoff batter, Billy Rand, … Read the rest...

Shots Up to date

This timely gem was submitted by Lynda Goldsmith.

There is a new movie to be avoided. Picture the scene, a big creaky tub of a wooden boat, already condemned in three countries and which is being used illegally to transport refugees. The deck is splintered, the nails are falling out, the people, thin and barefoot, are crammed on the deck.

First one person becomes sick and dies with severe convulsions, then several do. It’s an epidemic to which even our … Read the rest...

Toast, Henri Fontaine

By Alan B. Combs. I posted this one to alt.callahans a couple of years ago (1998, actually). I don’t find it in my shaggy data base, so here it is, again.

Instead of the sadder tributes found elsewhere in the Place, Alan wants to propose a happy toast, a toast to one of the Lesser Lights who may not be so well known to the Patrons, but who should be more famous — Monsieur Henri Fontaine.

Henri was born a … Read the rest...

How Ironic

This is an old one posted in alt.humor.puns by Robert Payes. Thank you.

It’s said that, during the reign of Czar Nicholas II, an American visitor to the royal court was boasting about the Grand Canyon. Nicholas, not to be outdone by a mere American, retorted that Mother Russia had its own canyon, one that dwarfed the American’s puny excuse for a canyon.

“Show me!” insisted the American. Nicholas agreed, and the two undertook a trip to the site of … Read the rest...

Coffee Jokes

by Alan B. Combs (who saw it once in a cartoon)

The topic of coffee jokes came up in the P.U.N.Y. (Punsters United Nearly Yearly) group to which I suscribe. I could only think of young, bovine vampires.

How does this relate to coffee, do ye ask?

Calf fiend, of course.… Read the rest...

Abandon all hope…

This came to me from Scarlett via Ulf Zimmerman (welcome back, Scarlett).

A young woman named Bernice was exceptionally fond of bright, even garish-colored clothes. In her native Haiti, women took great pride in picking only the brightest cloth for their dresses to assure they would look exciting in contrast to their otherwise drab surroundings. When she took a job as a secretary at the University in an office decorated in boring beige, throughout, she redoubled her efforts to wear … Read the rest...

Affirmative Actions

Originally received by Gatotomaso from SweePea (both of P.U.N.Y.)

OK, you know that in Hollywood, every producer has his “Yes Man” whose job it is to follow the producer around and say, “Yes, CB,” “Right, CB” and so on. Well, one of these Yes Men got depressed, so down in fact that he was unable to function. So he consulted a psychiatrist. The psychiatrist quickly determined the problem, and told the Yes Man that he just had to find a … Read the rest...

Old Lady, Oh!

This came from BevJoe. Thanks, Bev.

There were two brothers who were national yodeling champions. One day their car broke down out in the middle of nowhere, and they had to put up at a farmhouse. As fate always has it, there was a beautiful farmer’s daughter at the house.

The two brothers had a way of communicating over several miles by yodeling to each other. One particular yodel (ay-la-de-o-la-te-tu) signaled trouble, and meant for the other one to run.… Read the rest...

Light Saver

I received this pun from BevJoe. It originally came from Stan Kegel.

The ship was sinking and four sailors were able to get a lifeboat into the water and climb into it, safely. As they relaxed, they decided to have a cigarette and relax a few moments before starting their journey to safety. The cigarettes were dry but all their matches had become wet and they had no way to light their cigarettes. Finally, one of the sailors came up … Read the rest...

Non-PC Upgrade

This is from Chris Cole. He calls it, “another orginal synapse hiccup…”

Then, there was the lovely young computer genius who has suffered from self-esteem, and thought she was too flat-chested. So she did what any computer-type would do…she got a silicone mammary upgrade!… Read the rest...

Hairsute 02

Jim Morris and several others sent this one to me.

A man was driving along the highway, and saw a rabbit hopping across the middle of the road. He swerved to avoid hitting the rabbit, but unfortunately the rabbit jumped in front of the car and was hit. The driver, being a sensitive man as well as an animal lover, pulled over to the side of the road, and got out to see what had become of the rabbit. Much … Read the rest...

Update on Tarzan

This quickie and variant on our Shaggy Dog home page’s name was submitted by RAH 33. Thank you.

Is tarzan still alive?

Yes. He sits in a glade in the jungle, and spends all day painting white stripes on black zebras and black stripes on white zebras.

Tarzan stripes, forever!… Read the rest...

Dukeing out America

Here is another one from Steve Poge.

A show business museum in Hollywood is presenting an exhibit on the career of the late and great actor John Wayne. One of the featured items is a pair of brownish-colored gravestones bearing his name, date of birth, and the titles of his most memorable movies. The museum has decided to call the exhibit, “The Amber Graves of Wayne”.… Read the rest...


This contribution comes from the incomparable John Barnstead.

Barnstead always takes a volume of German poetry along with him on the hour and a half long ride from Halifax to Wolfville, while Pernicious (John¼s cat, or the other way around) prefers a volume of Zen. Barnstead usually gets mad when Pernicious starts pestering him for a neck scritching, his slim volume already finished by the time they reach Windsor, while Barnstead is less than half way through his book. But … Read the rest...

Scaled InsPUNration

Submutted (his term) by Stan Kegel:

WARNING: Unless you are an ardent fan of puns, skip this joke without reading it. It would be a complete waste of your time to read it. Proceed at your own risk.

A controversy is raging this morning in the French Academy of Science between factions of zoologists and paleontologists. The argument centers on the identification of a fossil skull found by student naturalists doing field work near the northern French village of D’Eau-Remy. … Read the rest...

For the Birds?

This is a contribution from Chris Cole, who says, “…another original creation…..yeah, I can’t pass the blame on to anyone else….I’m stuck with it!”

Once upon a time (well, more than once, actually, …a number of times) the Carrier Pigeon Employees Union held an Iron Bird competition to honor the toughest, most dedicated specimen of avian delivery in the State of (where else?) California.

Only two birds made it into the final round, where each carrier pigeon had to carry … Read the rest...