All posts in category Rated G

If You Carrot All For Me

This nutritious Valentine comes from Stan Kegel.


IF YOU CARROT ALL FOR ME

Cabbage always has a heart;

Green beans string along.

You’re such a Tomato,

Will you Peas to me belong?

You’ve been the Apple of my eye,

You know how much I care;

So Lettuce get together,

We’d make a perfect Pear.

Now, something’s sure to Turnip,

To prove you can’t be Beet;

So, if you Carrot all for me

Let’s let our Tulips meet.

Don’t Squash my

Read the rest...

The Trojan Horse

This is by Dr. Jake Katz.


Tell me, O twins from the land of Odysseus and Onassis, of Agnew and Apollo, O inheritors of the roles of Castor and Polydeuces: have you heard the story of how, through trickery, the Achaeans were able to pass through the impregnable walls of Ilium and bring low the Trojan defenders? Listen, then; and may I push your heads just a bit closer to the water’s surface, slightly below perhaps? No?

Well, in any … Read the rest...

Redneck Newlyweds

I have a large stash of these from the beloved Mel Lett. I will publish them slowly over time.


A week after their marriage, the redneck went to the doctor’s office.

“You ain’t gonna believe this, Doc,” said the husband. “My whacker’s turnin’ blue.”

“That’s pretty unusual,” said the doctor. “Let me examine you.”

The doctor takes a look. Sure enough, the redneck’s really is blue.

The doctor turns to the wife, “Are you using the diaphragm that I prescribed … Read the rest...

Shaggy Christmas Down Under

This merry little gem was submitted to us by Dave Wallace.


Lara Bingle (an Australian fashion model) invited Michael Clarke (captain of the Australian cricket team, and Lara’s former fiance) around for Christmas dinner a few short years ago. She didn’t claim to be a good cook, but wanted to serve a home-made meal for him. Actually, she admits to being a lousy cook.

Michael found a very dense object on his plate which was a kind of radioactive green. … Read the rest...

Something in My Stocking

This came to me while I was waiting for her to do her shopping. By Alan B. Combs


My wife went shopping for Christmas at one of our local chain department stores. I can’t say I’ve really been a good boy. I can’t even say I’ve tried very hard. Thus, I am pretty much assured of getting Kohl’s in my stocking.… Read the rest...

Sub-Atomic Puns

These puns are stolen from various spots all over the internet. Most of them are older than the internet itself.

The compilation is mine…


They say all are welcome to worship, but even the Catholic Church has to have some standards. One Sunday morning, Father Bohr was having a hard time keeping undesirables out.

First was Dr. Schrodinger and his cat. The priest said, “You can’t bring that cat in here. It looks half dead!”

An electron, a proton and … Read the rest...

A Holiday Warning

These words of wisdom come from Bill Pardue.


I would like to share an experience with you all, about drinking and driving.
As you well know, some of us (not me) have been known to have had brushes with the authorities on our way home from the odd social session over the years. A couple of nights ago, I was out for a few drinks with some friends and had a few too many bubbles and some rather nice chardonnay.… Read the rest...

A King Size Bed

This is from Dad’s sister Cathy.


Read the rest...

English Ain’t Easy

This was published by Stan Kegel on puns@yahoo.com. It is an excellent companion piece to “The Craziest Language” and “Why is English the Lingua Franca? (aka English is Tough Stuff)”, both of which are in this collection.


So, you think English is easy, huh? Read out loud to the end and see if you still think so.

1. The bandage was wound around the wound.

2. The farm was used to produce produce.

3. The dump was so full that … Read the rest...

Ireland Can Be a Small World

This was forwarded by Ms. Scarlett.


Two women were sitting next to each other at a bar. After a while, one looks at the other and says, ‘I can’t help but think, from listening to you, that you’re from Ireland.’

The other woman responds proudly, ‘Yes, sure an’ I am!”

The first one says, ‘So am I! And where about in Ireland are ya from?’

The other woman answers, ‘I’m from Dublin, I am.’

The first one responds, ‘So am … Read the rest...

The Thanksgiving Turkey

Stan Kegel sent this seasonal contribution.


The turkey shot out of the oven
and rocketed into the air;
It knocked every plate off the table
and partly demolished a chair.

It ricocheted into a corner
and burst with a deafening boom;
Then splattered all over the kitchen
completely obscuring the room.

It stuck to the walls and the windows,
it totally coated the floor;
There was turkey attached to the ceiling
where there’d never been turkey before.

It blanketed every … Read the rest...

Financial Planning

Mitch sent us this warning.


Dan was a single guy living at home with his father and working in the family business. When he found out he was going to inherit a fortune when his sickly father died, he decided he needed to find a wife with whom to share his fortune.

One evening, at an investment meeting, he spotted the most beautiful woman he had ever seen.
Her natural beauty took his breath away. “I may look like just … Read the rest...

The Evolution in Teaching Math Since the 1950s

This is from Bro. Tom Vickery.


1. Teaching Math In the 1950s:
A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is 4/5 of the price. What is his profit?

2. Teaching Math In the 1960s:
A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is 4/5 of the price, or $80. What is his profit?

3. Teaching Math In the 1970s:
A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His … Read the rest...

Da End Iss Near

From Sonya. I am 25% Scandihoovian; to her honor, she’s more than that.


Ole is the Pastor of the local Norwegian Lutheran Church and Pastor Sven is the minister of the Swedish Covenant Church across the road.

One day they are seen pounding a sign into the ground, which said:
     DA END ISS NEAR!
    TURN YERSELF AROUNT NOW
    BAFOR IT ISS TOO LATE!

As a car speeds past them, the driver leans out his window and yells, “Leave people alone, … Read the rest...

Space Opera

This tale is from the Richard Lederer and Stan Kegel book mentioned below.


It’s a long, long time from now, and machines have developed into sentient beings. Starting with the high-tech space stuff, a whole new set of different mechanistic species have come into existence. The machines are not only sentient; they are alive in other ways as well. They even produce offspring and evolve.

At first, it was just the super high-tech orbiting stuff that achieved self-awareness, but soon … Read the rest...

The Beehive

This was posted by Stan Kegel.


A long time ago, there was a beehive in the middle of a forest. Every day, as worker bees do, they would go out into their fields, gather pollen from the flowers, and bring it back to make honey.

The bees had a problem, though, because every so often an intruder would come around, such as a bear who wanted the honey, or kids who thought it’d be fun to throw rocks at the … Read the rest...

The Magic Well

This gentle tale was posted by Stan Kegel on puns@yahoo.com.


A woman had a magic well.

She would put her pail on the edge of the well and clap her hands and the well would dispense a measured amount of water into the pail. The only problem was that the well would never give out the same amount of water.

This distressed the woman and she decided that she would consult the neighborhood priest.

She showed the priest the problem … Read the rest...

My New Play Toy

This picture pun is from Bill Pardue.


I rewarded myself by buying an all terrain 4 wheeler.

Below is a picture of me playing with it in the back yard.

.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.

Read the rest...

The Dead Horse Theory

This little bit of ancient wisdom was sent to us by Shayne Gad.


The tribal wisdom of the Lakota Sioux, passed on from generation to generation, says that when you discover that you are riding a dead horse, the best strategy is to dismount.

However, in government, Federal State and Local (including police, fire departments & education),Unions, large organizations and corporate America, more advanced strategies are often employed:

1. Buying a bigger whip.
2. Changing riders.
3. Appointing a committee … Read the rest...

The Animal Wedding

This was written by Gary Hallock. It was posted on puns@yahoogroups.com.


A story book wedding was to take place in the animal kingdom. As in most story books, animals talk and interact in a human fashion and even inter-species marriages are not uncommon. (e.g. – Owl & Pussycat) The bride, a lovely young goat, was to be wedded to a very distinguished rodent, a brave soldier in her majesty’s service.

A grand ceremony was planned and many different animals were … Read the rest...

Vignettes of When the Fight Started…

Thanks to Bill Pardue for this collection.


One year, I decided to buy my mother-in-law a cemetery plot as a Christmas gift…

The next year, I didn’t buy her a gift.

When she asked me why, I replied,

“Well, you still haven’t used the gift I bought you last year!”

And that’s when the fight started……..


My wife and I were watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire while we were in bed.

I turned to her and said, ‘Do … Read the rest...

Seven Degrees of Blonde

Many of these have been going around separately. Here there are several all together.


First Degree:

A married couple was asleep when the phone rang at two in the morning.
The wife (undoubtedly blonde), picked up the phone, listened a moment
and said, “How should I know, that’s 200 miles from here!” and hung up.
The husband said, “Who was that?” The wife said, “I don’t know, some
woman wanting to know if the coast is clear.”

Second Degree:

Two

Read the rest...

The New Job

This was posted by Stan Kegel on puns@yahoogroups.com.


A man walked into a temporary agency looking for some work.

“Here, fill these forms out and bring them back to me when you’re done,” the office administrator said.

The man finished the forms and brought them back to the administrator. “Very good,” she said as she looked them over. “We actually have a job for you,” she added. “It just came in. It’s at the library.”

“Great,” the man said. “When … Read the rest...

Heaven Can Be Tricky

This warning was posted a few years ago on Yahoo’s shaggy dog page.


A man and his dog were walking along a road. The man was enjoying the
scenery, when it suddenly occurred to him that he was dead.

He remembered dying, and that the dog walking beside him had been dead
for years. He wondered where the road was leading them.

After a while, they came to a high, white stone wall along one side of
the road. It … Read the rest...

If Airlines Sold Paint

This story is at least ten years old. What it doesn’t have are the TSA grabbings and pat downs.


Customer: Hi. How much is your paint?

     Clerk: Well, sir, that all depends on quite a lot of things.

Customer: Can you give me a guess? Is there an average price?

     Clerk: Our lowest price is $12 a gallon, and we have 60 different
prices up to $200 a gallon.

Customer: What’s the difference in the paint?

     Clerk: Oh, there isn’t … Read the rest...