Tarzan's Tripes Forever, and Other Feghoots

The Web's Original Shaggy Dog Story Archive


Carp-On-Tour

Category: Rated G

Irrepressible. That’s our rosecatt.


Many landlubbers are unaware that the deep blue sea has a secret and highly developed social culture. There are many schools of thought as to it’s origins, and some feel it was developed eons ago when the Lost Continent of Atlantis was tragically sunk, but this might be a little fishy and schooners…. er, scholors…. debait the subject endlessly. Whatever. And who cares! This whole paragraph is stupid and doesn’t advance the tale one whit – it has no porpoise.

Our story concerns a rock group (or more specifically a ‘coral rock group’) called the Carp-on-tours. The lead singer was named simply ‘Carp’ and he played the harp – no! – don’t you call me a lyre, ’cause I speak the truth!

So anyway, Carp was the owner of a very large and lovely bay, where he performed excellent songs of love, and the wonderful chords heard from his harp attracted schools and schools of grouper-ies, who tie-dyed their scales and pierced their gills, all trying to swim closer and closer to Carp and become his One True Love. They also admired his mussels. When he did his signature number “Harp-Sea-Chord’ the crowd went wild!

An especially punked out Catfish named Bea, swam to the concert one night and Carp was stung-rayed with Love at First Sight! Sure, she was probably a loose woman, she shore looked it with that hook sticking out of her bottom lip – probably she had been thrown back many a time by guys with all sorts of angles. But Carp loved her and moray to the point he wanted her fin in marriage. But two things were floating in his way……

First, he was about to embark on a long 10 Reefer Tour in the SarGrasso Sea and was afraid that by the time he returned, Bea would have found another love. ‘Plenty of fish in the sea, Babe” she said . “I don’t give a clam what you do.”

Second, he really had nothing to offer Bea in the way of an engagement gift, since all he owned were his harp and his beautiful bay. He couldn’t very well give her his harp, because then how would he go on tour?

So Carp decided. He would get a pre-neptune-ual agreement and sign over his beautiful bay to her if she would only stay in it while he was gone, splashing around and cleaning stuff and doing his laundry with Tide etc. (he had a lot of dirty codpieces). He approached Bea and sang to her this lovely song as his marriage proposal:

“If I were a Carp-On-Tour, tho’ you ain’t no lady, would you marry me anyway and have my bay, Bea?”

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