Tarzan's Tripes Forever, and Other Feghoots

The Web's Original Shaggy Dog Story Archive


Bubba Claus

Category: Rated G, Shaggy Puppy

The author of this seasonal story is not known.


To: All Concerned

From: Santa Claus

I regret to inform you that, effective immediately, I will no longer serve the states of Georgia, Florida, Alabama, Virginia, North Carolina, South Carolina, Tennessee, Mississippi, Texas, & Arkansas on Christmas Eve.

Due to the overwhelming current population of the earth, my contract was renegotiated by North American Fairies & Elves Local 229. As part of the new and better contract I also get longer breaks for milk and cookies so keep that in mind. However, I’m certain that your children will be in good hands with your local replacement, who happens to be my third cousin Bubba Claus. His side of the family is from the South Pole. He shares my goal of delivering toys to all the good boys and girls, however, there are a few differences between us.

Differences such as:

1. There is no danger of the Grinch stealing your presents from Bubba Claus. He has a gun rack on his sleigh and a bumper sticker that reads: “These toys insured by Smith & Wesson.”

2. Instead of milk and cookies, Bubba Claus prefers that children leave and RC cola and pork rinds {or a moon pie} on the fireplace. Also bubba does not smoke a pipe, He dips a little snuff though, so please have an empty spit can handy.

3. Bubba Claus’ sleigh is pulled by floppy-eared, flyin’ coon dogs instead of reindeer. I made the mistake of loaning him a couple of my reindeer one time, and now Blitzens head overlooks Bubba’s fireplace.

4. You won’t hear “On Comet, on Cupid, On Donner and Blitzen.” when Bubba Claus arrives. Instead you’ll hear, “On Earnhardt, on Andretti, On Elliott, and Petty.”

5. “Ho,Ho,Ho,!” has been replaced by “Yee Haw!” And you’re also likely to hear Bubba’s Elves respond, “I her’d dat!”

6. Bubba’s sleigh does have a Yosimite Sam safety triangle on the back with the words “Back Off!”

7. The usual Christmas movie classics such as “Miracle on 34th Street” and “It’s a Wonderful Life” will not be shown in your negotiated viewing area. Instead, you’ll see “Boss Hogg Saves Christmas” and “Smokey and the Bandit IV” featuring Burt Reynolds as Bubba Claus and dozens of state patrol cars crashing into each other. And Finally,

8. Bubba Claus does not wear a belt. If I were you, I’d make sure you, the wife, and the kids turn the other way when he bends over to put presents under the tree.

I know this may cause some problems at first but with time we will get used to the changes that have been made.

Sincerely Yours

Santa Claus

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