Tarzan's Tripes Forever, and Other Feghoots

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Bay of Fundy

Category: alt.callahans, Rated G

This was posted on alt.callahans by John Barnstead.


Pernicious the Musquodoboit Harbour Farm Cat, who has found there to be somewhat of a dearth of TALL TALES at Callahan’s lately, has decided to try to ameliorate this sad state of affairs.

Many Callahanians, well-informed bunch that they seem so often to be, are no doubt aware of the continuing research being conducted throughout Atlantic Canada on questions of harnessing the powerful tides to be found in the Bay of Fundy for production of electric power. These researchers are far from bored with the tidal bore, and have experienced an upsurge in interest in the notion of surge engines. A friend of mine in the engineering programme at the Technical University of Nova Scotia (soon to be amalgamated with Dalhousie, by the way — one more step towards the ultimate undoing of universities like Acadia and their ilk, dear Sorrowsbane…) has even been teaching a class in the construction of these engines.

His class, as such advanced and esoteric classes often do, has attracted a motley and more-than-usually weird contingent of students: buzz-cut, tattooed young ladies from the Nova Scotia College of Art and Design vie with the Bluenoser equivalent of Southern Belles from Saint Mary’s University and demure demoiselles from Mount Saint Vincent University for my friend’s attentions (he being a more than usually muscular and attractive representative of a profession (electrical engineering) already well-known for the studliness of its male practitioners…). Indeed, the male members of the class have been more than somewhat miffed at being utterly ignored by their female colleagues during the lectures and discussion sessions. And, with the ingenuity native to the jilted male of all species, they have decided to get their revenge…

They have chosen their moment carefully: my friend will be travelling to Europe within the next couple days, and therefore the class will terminate more quickly than would otherwise be the case. He is a firm opponent of written exams, and will simply hold a short spoken interrogation of each student in private to determine the extent of his/her (especially HER…) knowledge… The ladies are anticipating this examination with a distinct lack of trepidation… The gentlemen, however, have prepared a little surprise for both them AND my friend…

They are aware, you see, of my friend’s habit of using a quick puff of breath spray in between interviews, and have wickedly substituted their own formula for the standard commercial concoction. I understand that it has the pungency of a road-killed skunk and the added property that tomato juice will not eliminate its stench…

I HAVE cautioned the culprits-to-be that my friend has a VIOLENT temper, and so I am sure that they will not be surprised to discover that I was correct when I stated:

THE SURGE ENGINE ORAL HASTY TERM MINT’S MOCKING MAY BE HAZARDOUS TO YOUR HEALTH…

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