Tarzan's Tripes Forever, and Other Feghoots

The Web's Original Shaggy Dog Story Archive


Arthur’s Story

Category: Rated G

There once was a guy named Arthur Twiddle. He was your ordinary, homeless street bum, and everyone called him Artie. He found a cozy area to live next to this huge mansion. Although he lived in a cardboard box, he would gather the crumbs from the owner of the mansion for food. The owner’s name was Mrs. Ralphs.

Everything was fine up until Mrs. Ralphs decided to get a pet cat. Instead of throwing away food, she would feed it to her cat. Artie got real frustrated at this move, so he decided to rob her of all her money. One night, he snuck into her mansion, and found a huge safe hidden behind a plant. He noticed that it had been recently opened, and not completely shut. With anticipation, he forced open the safe, and to his surprise, and disappointment, there was only one dollar. He screamed out with rage, “ONE STINKING DOLLAA!!!, HOW CHEAP!”

The butler came in, and threatened to report the police. Artie, being afraid, instinctively choked the butler to death. Then the maid came in, and screamed at the sight of the dead body. Artie then impulsively choked her to death as well. Mrs. Ralphs finally entered the room and told Artie that she had called the police already. The sounds of the police sirens were already audible. Artie realizing that he couldn’t escape, choked Mrs. Ralphs to death, too.

The police busted in in and arrested Artie. Many reporters were there and Artie made the front headlines of the National Newspaper.

“Artie chokes three for one dollar at Ralphs”

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