Tarzan's Tripes Forever, and Other Feghoots

The Web's Original Shaggy Dog Story Archive


An Effective Weight Loss Program

Category: Politically Incorrect, Rated PG, Shaggy Dogs

This tale has been bouncing on the internet for several years. Oh yes, it is rude, crude, unrefined, and funny. It was originally sent to me by Mel Lett.


A man was ordered by his doctor to lose 75 lbs. due to very serious health risks. As he wondered how in the heck he would ever do it, he ran across an ad in the newspaper for a GUARANTEED WEIGHT LOSS PROGRAM. “Guaranteed. Yeah, right!” he thought to himself. But desperate, he calls them up and subscribes to the 3-day /10 pound weight loss program.

The next day there’s a knock at his door, and when he answers, there stands before him a voluptuous, athletic, 19-year-old young lady dressed in nothing but Air of Nike running shoes and a sign round her neck. She introduces herself as a representative of the weight loss company. The sign reads, “If you can catch me, you can have me!”

Without a second thought he takes off after her. A few miles later, huffing and puffing, he finally catches her and has his way with her. After they are through and she leaves, he thinks to himself, “I like the way this company does business!” The same girl shows up for the next two days and the same thing happens.

On the fourth day, he weighs himself and is delighted to find he has lost 10 lb., as promised.

He calls the company and orders their 5-day /20 pound program.

The next day there’s a knock at the door and there stands the most stunning, beautiful, sexy woman he has ever seen in his life, wearing nothing but Reeboks and a sign around her neck that reads, “If you catch me, you can have me.” He’s out the door and after her like a shot.

This girl is in excellent shape and it takes him a long while to catch her, but when he does, it is worth every cramp and wheeze.

For the next four days, the same routine happens. Much to his delight, on the fifth day, he weighs himself and found he has lost another 20 lbs, as promised.

He decides to go for broke and calls the company to order the 7-day / 50 pound program. “Are you sure?” asks the representative on the phone. “This is our most rigorous program.” “Absolutely,” he replies, “I haven’t felt this good in years”

The next day there’s a knock at the door and when he opens it, he finds a gigantic gorilla standing there wearing nothing but pink running shoes and a sign around his neck that reads, “If I catch you, YOU’RE mine.”

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