Tarzan's Tripes Forever, and Other Feghoots

The Web's Original Shaggy Dog Story Archive


Alaska Chauvanism

Category: Rated PG-13

I don’t think this is new, but G.R. Briggs posted the first version I have see.


It’s true! Alaska has the distinction of having the northern-most, Eastern-most and Western-most parts of the USofA. When it comes to such distinctions, Alaska has more-than-most! Actually, I heard they were going to split Alaska in two, so that Texas would be demoted to third largest state. (:

All of this reminds me of the story about two woodpeckers. One from Alaska, one from Texas. The Texas woodpecker went up north to visit, and the Alaskan woodpecker showed him around. One of the sights was the “Glacial Pines of Northern Alaska,” with wood *so* hard and frozen solid for *so* long that they were thought to be inpenetrable. The Texas woodpecker took this as a challenge and proceeded to peck a hole clean through one of them!

Well, both the woodpeckers were surprised, of course. The Alaskan woodpecker asked the Texas woodpecker about the hardest trees down south. The Texas woodpecker replied that he could bore through anything except the “Petrified Saguaros of San Antonio.” Of course, the Alaska woodpecker just had to see this for himself, so off they went down to Texas.

After touring the sights of San Antonio, they arrived at the stately old cacti and the Alaskan woodpecker decided to give one of them a try. He went through it like it was made of balsa!

Actually, the two woodpeckers should not have been surprised by either feat, because (as everyone knows), “The farther from home, the harder the pecker!”

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