Tarzan's Tripes Forever, and Other Feghoots

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Adventures in Evangelism

Category: Rated G

Lowrie Beacham sent this tale of the rigors of vigorous pursuit of evangelism. It is high on my list of favorite tales.


A priest, a Pentecostal preacher and a rabbi all served as chaplains to the students of Northern Michigan University in Marquette. They would get together two or three times a week for coffee and to talk shop.

One day, someone made the comment that preaching to people isn’t really all that difficult. A more significant challenge would be to preach to a bear. One thing led to another and they decided to do an experiment. They would each go out into the woods, find a bear, preach to it, and attempt to convert it.

Seven days later, they’re all together to discuss the experience.

Father Flannery, who has his arm in a sling, is on crutches, and has various bandages, goes first. “Well,” he says, “I went into the woods to find me a bear. And when I found him I began to read to him from the Catechism. Well, that bear wanted nothing to do with me and began to slap me around. So I quickly grabbed my holy water, sprinkled him and, Holy Mary Mother of God, he became as gentle a lamb. The bishop is coming out next week to give him first communion and confirmation.”

Reverend Billy Bob spoke next. He was in a wheelchair, with an arm and both legs in casts, and an IV drip. In his best fire and brimstone oratory he claimed, “WELL brothers, you KNOW that we don’t sprinkle! I went out and I FOUND me a bear. And then I began to read to my bear from God’s HOLY WORD! But that bear wanted nothing to do with me. So I took HOLD of him and we began to wrestle. We wrestled down one hill, UP another, and DOWN another until we came to a creek. So, I quick DUNKED him and BAPTIZED his hairy soul. And just like your bear, he became as gentle as a lamb. We spent the rest of the day praising Jesus.”

They both looked down at the rabbi, who was lying in a hospital bed. He was in a body cast and traction with IV’s, and monitors running in and out of him. He was desperate shape and just holding on to life.

The rabbi looks up and says, “You know, looking back on it, circumcision may not have been the best place to start…”

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