Tarzan's Tripes Forever, and Other Feghoots

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A Request for Help

Category: Gaggle of Groaners listserv, Politically Incorrect, Rated G, Shaggy Puppy

This was posted on the groaners listserv, of course. Hoppy Gnu Gear, y’all.


Dear Friends, my name is Ndugood. I am a wealthy Nigerian prince who
loves the jazz of music. I am seeking your help to move $200,000,000
from my checking account here in Nigeria to the United States. I too
love the jazz of music and am planning to flee to America to open many
jazz clubs at which I would like you to perform. You will receive
$42,000 a night, plus a meal. My new ” Tribal Village Vanguard”
clubs will be of great success and you will become rich like the rest
of American jazz musicians. I have already applied for building code
exemptions to allow thatched stages and the spearing of live animals.

But I desperately need your help. My tribe, the Swindlisi, a
peaceful, jazz-loving people, has been horribly oppressed by the
ruling military junta, which despises the jazz of music. My father,
an exiled king and booking agent, was recently imprisoned under the
draconian “three gigs you’re out” law. And now I must flee my beloved
country with all of my improbable wealth. But I need help in moving
it. I have so much money that it will not fit in the allotted two
checked bags and one carry-on. I am therefor want to transer the
money through your ATM system. (The Nigerian ATM system cannot
exchange international currencies; it only converts “antelope to
money”).

So please to just provide me with your full name and address, social
security number, bank account and PIN numbers. And you will become
incredibly (literally) rich from playing many jazz gigs. (Note:
normal Nigerian Musician’s Union rules apply: three-hour
performances, two 15-minute breaks allowed, musicians to provide
their own mosquito nets, one open fire per bandstand, one free meal
plus anything you kill).

Act now. The first ten musicians to respond will receive a free copy
of the Nigeria ‘s Greatest Jazz Hits CD, by our beloved
‘Disoriented’ Gillespie Band, which contains the hits:

         The Night Has A Thousand Flies
         Goodbye Shrunken Head
         Here’s That Rainy Season
         Just Tribesmen (Lovers No More)
         Take the ‘A’ Trail
         When I Fall In Quicksand
         Half-Nelson Mandella
         Blue Monkey
         Leopard Skins and Moonbeams
         Blue Mombossa
         Almost Like Being In Lagos
         Sunny Side of the Goatpath
         I Didn’t Know What Century It Was

Thank you for your many help.
Your inordinately wealthy Nigerian brother,
Prince Ndugood.

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