This very ancient pharmaceutical shaggy tale was posted on the groaners listserv.

A man was walking home alone one night when he hears a “BUMP…BUMP…BUMP…” behind him. Walking faster, he looks back, making out an image of an upright coffin banging its way down the middle of the street towards him…”BUMP…BUMP…BUMP…”

The man begins to run towards his home, and the coffin bounces after him faster…faster…BUMPBUMPBUMP. He runs up to his door, fumbles with his keys, opens the door, rushes in, and locks the door behind him. The coffin crashes through the door, with the lid of the coffin clapping BUMP BUMP BUMP on the heals of the terrified man.

The man rushes upstairs to the bathroom and locks himself in, heart pounding. With a CRASH, the coffin breaks down the door, coming slowly towards him. The man screams, reaching for something, anything to help. All he can find is a box of Smith Brothers which he throws at his tormentor — and the coffin stops.