By Alan B. Combs

As you probably know, I reside in a university town. This has its certain attractions and distractions. Around our university there are many copy shops, the primary one of which is Kinko’s. Certain of these establishments are open twenty-four hours a day.

I have been negotiating with the management of a local shop. I propose to provide an herbal wonder drug, one that according to other purveyors, “may help improve blood supply to the brain, increase oxygen use for mental quickness, increase tolerance of the brain due to lack of oxygen, increase vasodilation due to lack of oxygen, enhance use of glucose (sugar), increases ATP (adenosine tri-phosphate) levels, and raise the amount of serotonin (a neurotransmitter) which has mental activating effects.”

I feel, of course, that this hype is masculine bovine excrement, but such a thing has never kept other marketers at bay. Why should it inhibit me, therefore?

Success, in fact, is guaranteed. The copy shop certainly will be a source of needy students, and all we have to do is advertise. I have the perfect name for our product: Kinko biloba!