Tarzan's Tripes Forever, and Other Feghoots

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A Message from the Rural Midwest

Category: Politically Incorrect

This is from my Aunt Jimmie.


Because of misunderstandings that frequently develop when East Coasters and Californians cross states such as Illinois, Ohio, Indiana, Wisconsin, Nebraska, Kansas, Iowa, Michigan, Missouri, Minnesota, North Dakota, and South Dakota, those states’ Tourism Councils have adopted a set of information guidelines.

In an effort to help outsiders understand the Midwest, the following list will be handed to each driver entering the state:

1. That farm boy standing next to the feed bin likely did more work before breakfast than you do all week at the gym.

2.  It’s called a ‘gravel road’. No matter how slow you drive, you’re going to get dust on your car.

3.  We all started hunting and fishing when we were seven years old. Yeah, we saw Bambi. We got over it.

4.  Go ahead and bring your $600 Orvis Fly Rod. Don’t cry to us if a flathead catfish breaks it off at the handle. We have a name for those little trout you fish for — bait.

5.  Pull your pants up. You look like an idiot.

6.  If that cell phone rings while a bunch of mallards are making their final approach, we will shoot it! You might hope you don’t have it up to your ear at the time.

7.  No, there’s no ‘Vegetarian Special’ on the menu. Order steak. Order it rare. Or, you can order the Chef’s Salad and pick off the two pounds of ham and turkey.

8.  You bring Coke into my house, it better be brown, wet, and served over ice.

9.  So you have a sixty-thousand dollar car you drive on weekends? We’re real impressed.. We have a quarter-million dollar combine that we only use two weeks a year.

10.  Let’s get this straight — We have one stoplight in town. We stop when it’s red. We may even stop when it’s yellow.

11.  Our women hunt, fish, and drive trucks — because they want to. So, you’re a feminist… Isn’t that cute.

12.  Yeah, we eat catfish. Carp, too — and turtle. You really want sushi and caviar? They’re available at the bait shop.

13.  Those are pigs. That’s what they smell like. Get over it.  Don’t like it? Interstates 70, 80, & 90 go two directions — Interstates 29, 35, & 69 go the other two. Pick one and use it, accordingly.

14.  The ‘Opener’ refers to the first day of deer season. It’s
like a religious holiday. You can get breakfast at the church.

15.  So every person in every pickup waves. It’s called being friendly.  Understand the concept?

16.  Yeah, we have golf courses. Just don’t hit in the water hazard, it spooks our fish.

17.  That Highway Patrol Officer that just pulled you over for driving like an idiot, his name is ‘Sir’. No matter how old he is.

18.  The bill on your hat should turn down at the edges to shed the rain and be centered over your nose to keep the sunlight out of your eyes. Any other location/orientation makes you look like an idiot.

19. We also speak ENGLISH here, speak it or go away.

Now, enjoy your visit!

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