Sent by Tom Vickery.

Sometimes, when I look at my children, I say to myself, “Lillian, you should have remained a virgin.”
— Lillian Carter (mother of Jimmy Carter)

I had a rose named after me and I was very flattered. But I was not pleased to read the description in the catalog: “No good in a bed, but fine against a wall.”
— Eleanor Roosevelt

Last week, I stated this woman was the ugliest woman I had ever seen. I have since been visited by her sister, and now wish to withdraw that statement.
— Mark Twain

The secret of a good sermon is to have a good beginning and a good ending; and to have the two as close together as possible.
— George Burns

Santa Claus has the right idea. Visit people only once a year.
– – Victor Borge

Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint.
— Mark Twain

By all means, marry. If you get a good wife, you’ll become happy; if you get a bad one, you’ll become a philosopher.
— Socrates

I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.
— Groucho Marx

Only Irish coffee provides in a single glass all four essential food groups: alcohol, caffeine, sugar and fat.
— Alex Levine

I don’t feel old. I don’t feel anything until noon. Then it’s time for my nap.
— Bob Hope

I never drink water because of the disgusting things that fish do in it.
— W.C. Fields

We could certainly slow the aging process down if it had to work its way through Congress.
— Will Rogers

Don’t worry about avoiding temptation as you grow older, it will avoid you.
— Winston Churchill

Maybe it’s true that life begins at fifty . but everything else starts to wear out, fall out, or spread out.
— Phyllis Diller

By the time a man is wise enough to watch his step, he’s too old to go anywhere.
— Billy Crystal