All posts for the month November, 2010

A Tall Ship Tale #81: Hooked on Phoenix

Another punishing episode from Paul DeAnguera.

One morning some 120 years ago, the little town of Phoenix climbed out of its collective beds, glanced out its windows and shouted for joy. “Rain at last!” For a huge shadow lay across the thirsty desert. But when they looked up and saw that it was just a flying square-rigger, the smiles changed to curses and many fists were shaken at the wooden ship in the sky.

So Acting Sheriff Jack Swilling was … Read the rest...

The Crusading Nun

This ender tale of temperance was posted on the groaners listserv. It has the flavor of an old story, but I was not familiar with it.

A guy was in New York on a business trip and decided to head to a local bar for a drink. Standing outside the bar was a nun holding a tin cup.

As the man threw a few bucks into her cup the nun launched into a long tirade about the evils of alcohol. … Read the rest...

Should You Remarry After a Spouse’s Death?

This is from bro Tom Vickery. The whole concept makes me a little uneasy.

The older you are and the longer you have been married, the funnier this is.

Sheila and I were sitting around the breakfast table one lazy Sunday morning. I said to her, “If I were to die suddenly, I want you to immediately sell all my stuff.”

“Now why would you want me to do something like that?” she asked.

“I figure that you would eventually … Read the rest...

Snow White

This was posted by Stan Kegel on the groaners listserv. It sticks in my mind that I had a version of this one, but I cannot find any documentation of such.

Snow White received a camera as a gift. She joyfully took many pictures of the Dwarves, the forest, the animals, etc. She quickly finished her first roll, and immediately took the film into town to be developed.

“How long before they’re ready?” Snow asked the clerk.

He informed her … Read the rest...

Thanksgiving Weather Forecast

This was posted by Stan Kegel onto the groaners listserv.

Turkeys will thaw in the morning, then warm in the oven to an afternoon high near 190F. The kitchen will turn hot and humid, and if you bother the cook, be ready for a severe squall or cold shoulder.

During the late afternoon and evening, the cold front of a knife will slice through the turkey, causing an accumulation of one to two inches on plates. Mashed potatoes will drift … Read the rest...

A Tall Ship Tale #80: Isthmus Be The Place

The eightieth episode from Paul DeAnguera.

As the H.M.S. Legume approached South America, Emma peered eastward from the crow’s nest. “How are you doing up there?” the First Mate called impatiently.

“Chile!” she called out, not attending to him.

“Do you want your astrakhan?” he asked.

“Camana!” she shouted, which might have led to a misunderstanding. But at this point there was a general outcry as land came into view from the frigate’s deck. Soon they dropped anchor outside of … Read the rest...

The Thanksgiving Riddles

Spanking clean riddles for Thanksgiving. Yea. These were posted by Stan Kegel on several of his listservs.

If April showers bring May flowers, what do May flowers bring?

What key has legs and can’t open doors?
A Turkey.

Why did the turkey cross the road?
It was the chicken’s day off.

If the Pilgrims were alive today, what would they be most famous for?
Their age

Why can’t you take a turkey to church?
Because they use such fowl … Read the rest...

TSA Slogans

Right up to the minute, these come from the groaners listserv. Take care of your cars, folks. Seriously!

Grope discounts available.

Can’t see London, can’t see France, unless we see your underpants.

If we did our job any better, we’d have to buy you dinner first.

Only we know if Lady Gaga is really a lady.

Don’t worry, my hands are still warm from the last guy.

Throw a few back at the airport Chili’s and you won’t even notice.… Read the rest...

Washing Instructions

This is from one of my students, Linda Therrio. In the deep and all-important world of college football, this IS the week for such stories.

One day my housework-challenged husband decided to wash his sweatshirt. Seconds after he stepped into the laundry room, he shouted to me, “What setting do I use on the washing machine?”

“It depends,” I replied. “What does it say on your shirt?”

He yelled back, “Texas A & M.”

And they say blondes are dumb.… Read the rest...

Do you speak Turkish?

This Thanksgiving sequence is from the groaners listserv:

What does a turkey say:
Gobble, Gobble, Gobble.

What does a turkey with a sore throat say?
Gargle, Gargle, Gargle.

What does a turkey with club feet say?
Hobble, Hobble, Hobble.

What does a dyslexic turkey say?
Boggle, Boggle, Boggle.

What does a turkey with a lame leg say?
Waddle, Waddle, Waddle

What does a turkey with a bladder problem say?
Puddle, Puddle, Puddle

What does a turkey with an invisible handicap … Read the rest...