All posts for the month May, 2007

To The Memory of Johnny Carson

Ms. Scarlett forwarded these words of wisdom.

“What Democracy Means to Me” by Johnny Carson

To me, democracy means placing trust in the little guy, giving the fruits of nationhood to those who built the nation.

Democracy means anyone can grow up to be president, and anyone who doesn’t grow up can be vice-president.

Democracy is people of all races, colors, and creeds united by a single dream: to get rich and move to the suburbs away from people of

Read the rest...

Presidential Meetings

By Bob Dvorak

It seems that Jacques Chirac hoped to repair some of the hard feelings noted recently between him and President Bush. He arrived in Washington amidst all the pomp usually accorded a foreign leader, and they sat down for a couple of days of particularly friendly and quiet meetings.

At the end of the session, they emerged from the White House, smiling. Chirac smiled at the photographers, leaned over, and bussed Dubya on both cheeks. He then looked … Read the rest...

A Wide Berth

By Gary Hallock who tells how it came to be.

She knew that to stress out, unwise is
But pregnant mom swelled up five sizes
Which was a bit crippling
So she called her sibling:
The birth of the first midwife cry, “Sis!”… Read the rest...

What All Texans Know

This was forwarded from Shayne Gad. As a transplanted Texas, I can testify that most, if not all, of these are true.

Hey Y’all,

Here’s what all Texans know. If you’re not a real Texan, then you’re in for an education.

Armadillos traditionally sleep in the middle of the road with all four feet in the air.

There are 5,000 types of snakes and 4,998 live in Texas.

There are 10,000 types of spiders. All 10,000 live in Texas, plus

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Directions for Preparing a Microsoft TV Dinner

From the groaners listserv. If this seems all too familiar, you are using the wrong hardware.

1. You must first remove the plastic cover. By doing so you agree to accept and honor Microsoft rights to all TV dinners.

2. You may not give anyone else a bite of your dinner (which would constitute an infringement of Microsoft’s rights). You may, however, let others smell and look at your dinner and are encouraged to tell them how good it is.… Read the rest...

Which Is The Oldest Profession?

This is another old tale, I suspect. This version came from my Bro Tom Vickery.

A man walked into a roadside tavern, and as he looked over the crowded tavern, he saw an empty bar stool at the far end of the bar. As he sat down on the bar stool, he noticed perched on a bar stool right next to him was a good-looking, smartly dressed woman with beautiful red hair.

“Hi there, Good Looking. How’s it going?” he … Read the rest...

While Once in Pisa

Jim Ryan, the one to whom puns happen, sends us this.

I was walking with a group from our hotel to a cave where a banquet was being held. All of us had a reasonable background in mathematics. While we were walking we passed a large statue of a standing man who had a quite dour expression. The base of the statue had just a single word, the man’s surname. “Look!” I blurted out, “It’s the real Fibonacci, serious!”

And … Read the rest...

Wal-Mart Greeter

This is from Tom Vickery. I suppose it could fit in as well with any other occupation dealing with the public.

A very unattractive, nasty, loud, mean-acting woman walks into Wal-Mart with her two kids.

After the traditional Hello-and-Welcome-to-Wal-Mart, the Wal-Mart Greeter asks, “Are they twins?”

The woman says, “Hell no, the oldest one, he’s 9, and the younger one, she’s 7. Why? Do you think they really look alike?”

“Not really,” replied the Greeter, “I just can’t believe you … Read the rest...

The Professor

This is by Daniel Lee Quin.

George Smyth was the dean at Midwestern University. One day he was asked to give a talk to the new staff and teachers at MU. After a long while he decided on a seminar on Louis Dellingtom Quincy, a distinguished Professor of Economics that put MU on the map.

Every year in January, economists came from all over the world to hear his discussions of how the business world looks for the new year. … Read the rest...

The Pants

This bit of grandfatherly nostalgia was posted on the groaners listserv.

One day a man and his wife got into a terrible fight. She became so irrational that she sliced the legs off of his favorite pair of pants; he was for some reason extremely attached to them. When he saw what she had done he nearly broke down in tears because of how much those pants meant to him.

He took them to tailors near and far in an … Read the rest...