All posts for the month January, 2005

Punoff 2003 First Place — Carlotta Stankiewicz

Earning First Place in Punniest of Show in the 2003 O Henry International Punoffs, Carlotta Stankiewicz came on stage dressed as “M&M, the Candy Wrapper” and did her routine in rap rhythm.

She was the clear winner to the judges, the audience, and all her competitors. Here is the text of her routine.


Yo! Yo!
Hey, look at me
It’s gonna he
Like taking candy from a BABY RUTH
That’s the truth!

Cause this 0. HENRY BARd’s gonna

Read the rest...

Shaggy-or-Not Dog Story

By Bob Dvorak

“Dammit, Rex, I heard you were harassing that little poodle down the street this afternoon! And she’s not the first one. The Harrisons complained to me last week that you’d been bothering their terrier.”

“Now Al,” said his wife. “Take it easy on him. He’s just a dog, doing what dogs do. And if the neighbors are dumb enough to put a female in heat out there, what do they expect?”

“I don’t know, but I don’t … Read the rest...

Car Trouble (A Shaggy Puppy, or Horse as the Case May Be)

This old classic is from Bob Sachse and was posted on the groaners listserv. The author is not known.

A man was driving through Wyoming one spring evening. The road was deserted and he had not seen a soul for what seemed like hours. Suddenly his car started to cough and splutter and the engine slowly died away, leaving him sitting by the road in total silence.

He popped the hood and looked to see if there was anything that … Read the rest...

Alaskan Christmas Party

Another tale sent to us by Bob Levi.

Sam has been in business for 25 years and is finally sick of the stress. He quits his job and buys 50 acres in Alaska as far from humanity as possible. He sees the postman once a week and gets groceries once a month. Otherwise, it’s total peace and quiet.

After six months or so of almost total isolation, someone knocks on his door. He opens it, and there is a big, … Read the rest...

Punoff 2001 Silver Medal — Jim Ertner

This routine placed 2nd in the 2001 Punoff and is by Jim Ertner in his first appearance at a Punoff.

This is horseracing time of the year, especially with the triple crown events — one of which is actually running today. (In fact, I put on this ponytail just to get in the spirit.) My mind wanders much further back, though, to one of the world’s most famous horse riders, namely, Lady Godiva.

In her most celebrated ride, Lady Godiva … Read the rest...

Boudreaux Fishin’ (A Shaggy Cajun)

Another from Mel Lett.

Boudreaux been fish’n down by de bayou all day an he done run outa night crawlers. He be bout reddy to leave when he seen a snake wit a big frog in his mout. He knowed dat dem big bass fish like frogs, so he decided to steal dat froggie.

Dat snake, he be a cotton moufed water moccasin so he had to be real careful or he’d get bit. He snuk up behine de snake … Read the rest...

Alaska Bear Hunting

From TJ and Ms. Scarlett. The author is not known.

Bob was excited about his new rifle and decided to go bear hunting. He spotted a small brown bear and shot it. As he bent over to start cleaning it, there was a tap on his shoulder. He turned around to see a big black bear.

The black bear said, “That was my cousin and you’ve got two choices… Either I maul you to death or we have sex.” After … Read the rest...


Bob Levi sent us this lovely old tale.

Two little kids are in a hospital, lying on stretchers next to each other, outside the operating room. The first kid leans over and asks, “What are you in here for?”

The second kid says, “I’m in here to get my tonsils out and I’m a little nervous.”

The first kid says, “You’ve got nothing to worry about. I had that done when I was four. They put you to sleep, and … Read the rest...

A Wild Spirit

Another by Cynthia MacGregor

In Ted’s previous incarnation he had been too meek, and this time around, his spirit was making up for it by turning him into a wild man.

As a boy he got into all sorts of scrapes, and as an adult, this wild streak found expression in his sex life. If he didn’t literally swing from the chandeliers, he certainly did try a variety of unorthodox positions…occasionally with disastrous results.

One such occasion resulted in a … Read the rest...

At the Supermarket for Terrorists

By Alan B. Combs

It is not one of those things we usually like to think about, but even terrorists must get their supplies from somewhere. Though they are very clandestine and exceedingly surreptitious, there are stores catering to this clientele with its peculiar needs. The merchandise choices are many and the waitfolks try to be as helpful as possible.

Recently, one of these markets instituted a lay-away program as an additional service. One could choose the high energy product … Read the rest...