All posts for the month September, 2004

A Tall Ship Tale #37: A Promise Kept

The tale by Paul DeAnguera continues.

“Merely turn over two sacrilegious and worthless men, and all freedoms are yours!” came a cry from one of the Sultan’s galleys which had blockaded the H.M.S. Legume into the port of Jidda. “But while you shelter them, you shall never leave!” The galley’s oars dipped in unison, holding position with its long bronze ram directed squarely at the frigate’s vulnerable stern.

Sir Hillary and the First Mate, recently returned from a secret mission … Read the rest...

The Wisdom of Will Rogers

Thanks to Mel Lett for sending this. Of course, I am MUCH younger than he is. (Didn’t I mention that before?)

Will Rogers, who died in a plane crash with Wylie Post in 1935, was probably the greatest political sage this country has ever known. Enjoy the following:

1. Never slap a man who’s chewing tobacco.

2. Never kick a cow chip on a hot day.

3. There are 2 theories to arguing with a woman…neither works.

4. Never miss … Read the rest...

Omens for a Good Day

By Alan B. Combs. This was my second submission to the Bulwer-Lytton bad writing contest. Perhaps, it was too blatant a pun. I did use it as a throwaway gag at the PunOff this year.

He knew it was going to be a wonderful day because the storm had passed, blue birds were singing rhapsodies, and a passing airplane wrote “3.1416” in the sky.… Read the rest...

The Actors

This was posted by Sally Rosoff on the groaners listserv. The author is not known.

In ancient Palestine, there was a group of traveling actors who went from village to village entertaining the people. In one small village, the only son of one of the village elders was attracted to this life, and ran away with the actors when they moved on.

When the boy’s absence was noticed, the people pursued the actors and cornered them among the rocks. The … Read the rest...

High Ride on A Port-A-Potty — With Shaggy Dogs

Charlotte Herzele tell us this pop story was sent by her tennis buddy, Diane Singleton. The author is not known.

Me and the girls (dogs) my packhiking sammies and my min-pin, who could be the first packhiking min-pin ever) have seen some incredible things when we go packhiking. The story is somewhat graphic in nature, so I’ve left a lot of that kind of stuff out. Use your own imagination.

We were hoofing it through the Cleveland metro parks with … Read the rest...

Math Lesson I

This has been kicking around the internet for a while. I thank Mel Lett for this version.

From a strictly mathematical viewpoint it goes like this:

What makes 100%?

What does it mean to give MORE than 100%?

Ever wonder about those people who say they are giving more than 100%? We have all been to those meetings where someone wants you to give over 100%. And, how about achieving 103%?

Here’s a little mathematical formula that might help you … Read the rest...

Dental Floss

The author of the first version of the tale is unknown.

On a distant planet, the dominant population was obsessed with dental hygiene due to the fact that they had three complete receding sets of mandibles. They were so concerned with maintaining their teeth, hat the custom was to floss several times a day.

To achieve this goal, they grew a floss plant from which the fibers were extracted to make the necessary product.

Being a scientifically advanced species especially … Read the rest...

A Crepe Tale

An original by Bob Dvorak. I am so jealous.

Out by the Cheyenne River an enterprising Native American founded a business manufacturing crepe paper. Using modern equipment and Internet Marketing techniques he built quite a reputation for quality paper printed with traditional tribal designs.

A certain gourmand in Chicago was arranging a party for an about-to-retire friend, and, via the Internet, ordered what he thought was going to be 25 sets of designer-pattern crepe paper. When the shipment arrived it … Read the rest...

The Wall

From Gag-O-Matic , this was published on the groaners listserv.

A journalist assigned to the Jerusalem bureau takes an apartment overlooking the Western Wall. Every day when she looks out, she sees an old Jewish man praying vigorously.

So the journalist goes down and introduces herself to the old man. She asks, “You come every day to the wall. How long have you done that and what are you praying for?”

The old man replies, “I have come here to … Read the rest...

A Body in Jerusalem

A Body in Jerusalem (A Seasonal Shaggy Puppy)

George went on a vacation to the Middle East with most of his family including his mother-in-law. During their vacation and while they were visiting Jerusalem. George’s mother-in-law died. With the death certificate in hand, George went to the American Consulate Office to make arrangements to send the body back to the States for proper burial.

The Consul, after hearing of the death of the mother-in-law told George that the sending of … Read the rest...