All posts for the month August, 2004

Monarchy Menarche

By Alan B. Combs

It is a difficult life being the King of a small country. If I’ve said it before, it bears repeating. The demands are endless and one is never off duty. It is particularly difficult to have a private life, unless one has adequate supplies of large castles, moats, dragons, etc., all of which are expensive and hard to come by. It is even more difficult in those countries in which the Crown is more virtual than … Read the rest...

Dam Marketplace

Colleague Tim Miller sent this to me. The author is Jason Dias.

There was a certain town famous for its marketplace that had been set up in a riverbed after the river had been dammed. The market specialized in the valuable gemstones that could be found in the levee by the few who knew where to look. It was a challenge to dig them out of the dam, but it provided a good living.

Saul, being inexperienced, wanted to gather … Read the rest...

The Burial

By Gilbert Krebs

One day, an Army Sergeant called two Privates to his office. “Men,” he said, “I need you two to bury one of our mules that has died. It’s over at the edge of the field so when you bury it, make sure you level everything off so the grass will grow back.”

The two Privates, really not wanting to do this chore, resigned themselves that since the Sergeant gave the order, they must follow his instructions. They … Read the rest...

Suitors Losing Their Head?

By Alan B. Combs with a topper by Howell Gwinn.

Kings are not a happy lot, generally. “Heavy hangs the head that wears the crown,” it is said. This is especially true if the king is a father of a voluptuous and eligible daughter, one so desirable that suitors are overcome by the temptation of her presence.

It happened over and over again with one royal family. Untenable suitors would make come onto his daughter and make unwelcome advances.

Eventually, … Read the rest...

Husband Mart

This was forwarded to me by Charlotte Herzele (aka My Pun Mistress). The author is unknown.

A new store named Husband-Mart opened. Husband-Mart is a store where women can go and choose a husband from among many men. The store is composed of six floors, and the men increase in positive attributes as the shopper ascends the flight of stairs.

There is, however, a catch. As you open the door to any floor you may choose a man from that … Read the rest...

How it Happened

By Alan B. Combs

Margaret Hamilton played Almira Gulch and her alter ego the Wicked Witch of the West in the classic movie, “The Wizard of Oz”. What is little known is that Ms. Hamilton played the same evil-natured plains character, Almira, in a western about Kansas during the extreme drought.

Her family became knowns as thieves and they hid out in the dry river beds. Thus, they became known as dry gulchers.… Read the rest...

The Grim Reader

This is by punmeister Gary Hallock who sent it to the PUNY listserv.. Timely, too.

Sometimes when I’m very tired I’ll read the newsweakly, but mostly I enjoy one of the other periodicals that don’t pander to prurient interests. This week I was anxious to see if my favorite magazine would demean their reputation by featuring sleazy photos of Janet Jackson’s skanky Super Bowl boob stunt. At the appropriate moment I looked out to my front porch mailbox to see … Read the rest...

For All The Lexophiles (Lovers of Words)

Stan Kegel posted this on the PUNY listserve. There are several new ones in this collection.

1. A bicycle can’t stand alone because it is two-tired.

2. What’s the definition of a will? (It’s a dead giveaway).

3. Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.

4. A backward poet writes inverse.

5. In democracy it’s your vote that counts; in feudalism it’s your count that votes.

6. She had a boyfriend with a wooden leg, but broke … Read the rest...

Write of Passage

This is an original by “Ralph D. Jeffords” who says, “I really enjoy your shaggy dog archive. My dad taught me an appreciation for this form of humor as a kid growing up, and we both still enjoy these groaners. Here is one to add to your collection (the part about the Tockey relatives is actually true).

I have recently caught the genealogy bug, and in my investigations I have discovered that I am distantly related to a bunch with … Read the rest...

Sex Lives of Elderly Men

This shaggy tale came to me from Charlotte Herzele. The author is unknown.

Three old men are discussing their sex lives.

The Italian gentleman says, “Last week, my wife and I had great sex. I rubbed her body all over with olive oil, we made passionate love, and she screamed for 5 minutes at the end.”

The Frenchman boasts, “Last week when my wife and I had sex, I rubbed her body all over with butter. We then made passionate … Read the rest...