All posts for the month May, 2004


I received this from Mitch Friedman.

1.     The Wall Street Journal is read by the people who run the country.

2.     The Washington Post is read by people who think they run the country.

3.     The New York Times is read by people who think they should run the country and who are very good at crossword puzzles.

4.     USA Today is read by people who think they ought to run the country, but don’t really understand The New York … Read the rest...

Counting on Horses

By Bob Levi.

When I was a youngster, my grandfather used to love to tell of his experiences from the early days in the 20th Century. He sometimes would recall the vaudeville shows that he saw as a young man. One unique act that he found fascinating was an entertainer who had a horse that could count and do simple arithmetic.

In similar acts, the horse would respond by stomping its hoof with the solution to the trainer’s question. The … Read the rest...

Phoney Sects

We have several master punsters operating these days. One of the foremost among equals is Gary Hallock who wrote this and published in on the PUNY listserv.

I have a friend who has accumulated a lot of collectible memorabilia related to his favorite New York basketball team. He’s quite good at it. I guess you could say he has quite a Knick knack. Unfortunately his hobby has taken a sad turn as he’s recently developed a passion for counterfeit products … Read the rest...

In O’Malley’s Bar

This is by Bob Dvorak.

Seamus walked into O’Malley’s bar one evening, as was his wont most evenings. As he pulled up his customary stool, Sean O’Malley was topping off his customary pint. But just as Sean placed the beer on the bar, a fellow climbed onto a dais behind Sean and began reciting in a Very Loud Voice:

“There shall be no fisticuffs.” “No patron shall be served more than two drinks at one time.” “No Smoking. By order … Read the rest...

Grandma and Her Gentlemen Callers

Mel Lett sent me this tale. I dedicate it to dear, precious Granny Lea Sweetness and all her sisters. As Bugs Bunny says…

I have become a little older since I saw you last, and a few changes have come into my life since then. Frankly, I have become a frivolous old gal.

I am seeing five gentlemen every day. As soon as I wake up, Will Power helps me get out of bed. Then I go to see John.… Read the rest...

The C. I. A.

This is from Randall Woodman on the groaners listserv. The author is not known.

The CIA had an opening for an assassin. After all the background checks, interviews, and testing were done, there were three finalists, two men and a woman. For the final test, the CIA agents took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun. “We must know that you will follow your instructions, no matter what the circumstances. Inside this room,you … Read the rest...

The Green Ping-Pong Ball

Jason Dias sent this old tale. Thank you.

John was born in 1932, the son of Jane and Marty Himmelhausen. He lived in the tiny village of Grundelsberg, North Carolina, with his twin sisters, both named Jean [they were a pair of Jeans, you see] and his brother, Jacob.

His earliest years were uneventful until his third birthday was on the horizon. His parents asked him what he would like for his birthday, and he said he wanted a green … Read the rest...

Heroes To The Occasion

Tiff Wimberly tells us this (mostly, I think) true tale.

You all probably didn’t know this but I have given birth to at least two superheroes.

I realized that my daughter was a superhero when she was a wee toddler babe and it was only after bathtime that her special powers would surface. She would run around naked with a hooded towel on her head. The “Queen of Clean”…a grime fighter! Able to run rings around a tub.

One half … Read the rest...


This was sent to us by my cousin Roger. It sticks in my mind that it has a certain venerable quality about it, but it’s not in the collection.

A Pennsylvania State Trooper pulled a car over on I-81 about 2 miles north of the PA/MD State line. When the Trooper asked the driver why he was speeding, the driver answered that he was a magician and a juggler and he was on his way to Harrisburg to do a … Read the rest...

There’s No Place Like Holmes

An original by Bob Levi. Thanks, as always.

As most folks know, Sherlock Holmes retired from London to keep bees in Sussex. However, what’s not well known is that someone told him about an extremely lucrative investment opportunity, a restaurant near his new home. He was intrigued. So Sherlock investigated and subsequently bought the business. The restaurant specialized in rotisserie chicken. The former owner from Germany had called the establishment, “Braun’s Chicken.”

Once Sherlock owned the enterprise, he decided to … Read the rest...