All posts for the month June, 2003

Hyperbaric Chambers

By Alan B. Combs

Hyperbaric chambers have been in the news lately because they were made available to treat decompression injury in the recently-rescued coal miners. More traditionally, we see them used for the prevention of the “bends” in deep sea divers who have to return to the surface too quickly.

Recenly certain companies have found that hyperbaric chambers are useful in determining the professional qualifications of potential CEOs. The process is to put them in the chamber with the … Read the rest...

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by on June 29, 2003  •  Permalink
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Posted by Alan B. Combs on June 29, 2003

http://shaggy-dogs.briancombs.net/hyperbaric-chambers/

Crossing the Vampire Tale Four

The author of this shaggy tale is not known.

Dracula dies and he went to the Pearly Gates to meet God. God refused to let Dracula in because of all the sins that he had done — going around sucking blood and killing.

“I’ll give you a chance to redeem your sins”, said God. “I’ll send you back to Earth, but not in a human form. You can be reincarnated into any other living thing of your choice. So, what … Read the rest...

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by on June 29, 2003  •  Permalink
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Posted by Alan B. Combs on June 29, 2003

http://shaggy-dogs.briancombs.net/crossing-the-vampire-tale-four/

Clones

This is by Stan Kegel.

A blonde I know decided to have twelve clones made of herself. When she went to the clinic, she found it was a bleak brick house without any windows. When she asked the clone arranger why there were no windows, she was told that people in glass houses shouldn’t grow clones.

As the clones were growing up, she would never be allowed to take them out for a walk as you’ll never walk a clone.… Read the rest...

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by on June 29, 2003  •  Permalink
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Posted by Alan B. Combs on June 29, 2003

http://shaggy-dogs.briancombs.net/clones/

Categories of Perversion

This is one of Gary Hallock’s additions to a recent pun cascade in the PUNY listserv. It can stand or limp alone, as the case may be.

Speaking of perverts, I looked into my pedofile and found the story of a perverted pedicurist who would break into people’s homes and trim their nails while they were sleeping. Probably a clip toe maniac.… Read the rest...

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by on June 29, 2003  •  Permalink
Posted in P.U.N.Y. listserv, Pun Cascade, Rated PG
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Posted by Alan B. Combs on June 29, 2003

http://shaggy-dogs.briancombs.net/categories-of-perversion/

Cabbage

This is an interesting variant on a several-times-used pun.

The little cabbage in the field was consulting its mother about life.

“Life,” said the mother “is a gamble; you’ve got to withstand storms, drought, wind, animals–not to mention bugs, lice, mold, and rot. But, if you don’t give up, you’ll thrive and grow.”

“Life certainly is a gamble,” agreed the little cabbage, “but there’s one thing you haven’t made clear — when do I quit growing?”

“As in any other … Read the rest...

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by on June 29, 2003  •  Permalink
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Posted by Alan B. Combs on June 29, 2003

http://shaggy-dogs.briancombs.net/cabbage/

Astronomy

This was posted on the groaners listserv. It is by Himie Koshevoy.

To celebrate Canada’s Centennial year of 1967, Vancouver, British Columbia, built a magnificent planetarium that has played to standing room audiences since it opened. Many of its visitors are students of secondary schools, and one school decided to produce a play wherein the student players would enact the roles of heavenly bodies. The teacher who had written the play, chose her cast and awarded the roles to those … Read the rest...

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by on June 29, 2003  •  Permalink
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Posted by Alan B. Combs on June 29, 2003

http://shaggy-dogs.briancombs.net/astronomy/

A Mine is a Terrible Thing to Waste

A short tale from Chris Cole.

Did you hear about the mining company executive who was famous for personally going down into the mines to settle labor differences? He took great relish (don’t know, though, if it was sweet or kosher…) in that part of his job and often was heard singing on the elevator as it lowered him down through the strata of rock,

“Gonna take a sedimental journey, gonna set my mine at ease… “… Read the rest...

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by on June 29, 2003  •  Permalink
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Posted by Alan B. Combs on June 29, 2003

http://shaggy-dogs.briancombs.net/a-mine-is-a-terrible-thing-to-waste/

Trust in The Word — A Short, But Shaggy Puppy

This was forwarded by Sue Lemcke. The author is not known.

Two old friends ran into each other after many years. One said, “How has everything been going with you?”

The other said, “Well, one day I opened the Bible at random, and dropped my finger on a word and it was “oil”. So, I invested in oil, and boy, did the oil wells gush. Then another day I dropped my finger on another word and it was “gold”. So, … Read the rest...

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by on June 29, 2003  •  Permalink
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Posted by Alan B. Combs on June 29, 2003

http://shaggy-dogs.briancombs.net/trust-in-the-word-a-short-but-shaggy-puppy/

Toll Call (Feghoot XII)

This feghoot was written by Reginald Bretnor under the pen name of Grendel Briarton.

Ferdinand Feghoot was a close friend of the Very Reverend William Ralph Inge. His time shuttle was installed in a back bedroom of St- Pauls Deanery, and the Gloomy Dean knew perfectly well that he came from the future. (Indeed, his tale of coming events was largely responsible for the nickname.)

“My boy,” the Dean said one day, “couldnÕt we take a jaunt in your time … Read the rest...

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by on June 29, 2003  •  Permalink
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Posted by Alan B. Combs on June 29, 2003

http://shaggy-dogs.briancombs.net/toll-call-feghoot-xii/

Today’s Stock Market Tips

My cousin, the beautiful Lavonne, sent this list of potential stock market mergers.

1.      Hale Business Systems, Mary Kay Cosmetics, Fuller Brush
and W.R.Grace Co. will merge and become Hale, Mary, Fuller,
Grace.

2.      Polygram Records, Warner Bros. and Zesta Crackers join forces
and become … Polly, Warner Cracker.

3.      3M will merge with Goodyear and issue forth as MMMGood.

4.      Zippo Mfg, Audi Motor Car, Dofasco and Dakota Mining will
merge to become, of course, ZipAudiDoDa.

5.      Federal Express … Read the rest...

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Posted by Alan B. Combs on June 29, 2003

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