All posts for the month May, 2001

A Sleeping Dog?

This groaner is by Gary Hallock.

The strangest thing happened this morning.

As many of you may know, I am co-owner and resident manager of a small apartment complex. Behind my house have have 15 rental units and it is my task to keep things in some sort of order.

Each morning I have to make the rounds to pick up stray beer cans and misc litter from whatever foolishness has taken place the evening before. As you might imagine, … Read the rest...

Why Regicide is Obligatory

This seasonal, but modern tale is John L. Ashman’s entry in the 2000 Bulwer-Lytton contest. The Annual Bulwer-Lytton writing contest is based upon the much stolen beginning line by Snoopy, “It was a dark and stormy night…” The contest is run each year by the Department of English at San Jose State University. The award is given to the worst lead-in to a wretched story.

It was the night before Christmas when Santa Claus’s sleigh team became one member short … Read the rest...

Leer Jest

From the endlessly inventive Chris Cole.

Many a student of Shakespeare has heard Mark Antony’s funeral oration for the slain explorer Julius Caesar. Few are aware, however, of Mark’s “executive assistant”, a very buxom lady friend named Aphrodesia, who was ever at his side during public appearances. She had the habit of dressing somewhat provocatively and of being a bit flirtatious. Hence, all the red-blooded men (which, let it be said, included most of them) in the crowd often looked … Read the rest...

Anna Hortic

This is by Charlotte Herzele” [], a source of endless puns and friendship. Any changes from the original should be blamed on me.

In the Great Battle, Star Commander Nextal’s clever assistant was a woman. In typical Chauvinistic fashion, we at first were told neither that she was a woman, nor that her name was Anna Hortic.

Among the planets served by Starfleet, any clever war or battle negotiation became known as a “combatism” or “ism”, a kind of school … Read the rest...

A Rash Act

This is by I think we will be seeing several from her. Thanks, Rose.

Maybe I should change doctors. I called him up today for some advice, and this is what he said. “So you think you’ve got the flu? And a fever? Well, that stinks! One hundred and one you say? Any rash, like spots or anything? ‘Cause we can cure that now!

Yeah. You probably didn’t know that Jeffrey Dahmer never got a rash in his life … Read the rest...

Marriage Linkage

This is from Norm Gilbert of the International Save the Pun Foundation. Bless his heart.

Ivana Trump marries Orson Bean. She then divorces him to marry His Majesty, King Oscar, then finds that royally unsuitable. She abdicates that and moves into showbiz with Louis B. Mayer. She found the lime too light and left it for her present husband, Norbert Wiener. Her mail is addressed to Ivana Bean Oscar Mayer Wiener.… Read the rest...


The author of this very shaggy tale is unknown.

A man was brought in to the hospital intensive care ward, put in a bed, tubes coming out everywhere. A week later, another man was admitted, in a similar condition. Both lay there, machines pinging, tubes poking, etc.

A couple more weeks before one of them had the strength to raise his hand and point to himself and say:


The other signaled he had heard, raised his own hand, and … Read the rest...

A Tall Ship Tale #7: A High-Iron Diet

This is a continuation of the tall tales by Paul de Anguera.

The flying frigate H.M.S. Legume headed eastward, hoping to leave the horrors of Transylvania behind. Almo Sather leaned against the stern rail and gazed with bovine fascination at the evil land passing below. Now and then he reached into a paper bag with chubby fingers, took out another sugar cube filched from the galley, and popped it into his mouth. Suddenly he stiffened, for he had seen a … Read the rest...

At the Pet Store

This is a Bulwer-Lytton writing contest entry by Richard W. O’Bryan. The competition is run each year by the Department of English at San Jose State University, and the award is given to the worst lead-in to a wretched story. This is one of Stan Kegel’s favorite Bulwer-Lytton stories.

Although Sarah had an abnormal fear of mice, it did not keep her from eeking out a living at a local pet store.… Read the rest...

The Fine Print

This tale is by Terry Morrison, author of “Mattress-ide and Other Grammatical Atrocities”

An extremely red-faced man stormed into the tiny shop on the corner of Lingot and Main. Pushing his way past the assorted browsers, he bore down on the sales counter like a Scud missile.

The lone clerk regarded him with some trepidation.

“I want to speak to the manager,” he demanded.

“I’m sorry Sir, Mr. Mowbray isn’t in today. Is there anything I can help you with?”… Read the rest...