All posts for the month December, 1998


I don’t know the author of this, but thanks to Mitch Friedman for sending it to me.

The budding director was sitting alongside the veteran as he was auditioning promising young performers for an upcoming variety show. The young learner was amazed at how many different ways this old timer could terminate a performance!

There was the chop across the throat, the upraised face and hands, and many, many more! When the young man commented on it after the auditions, … Read the rest...

William Jefferson

by Alan B. Combs

This shaggy is mostly mine. I can only blame certain current events which made me write it.

This is the tale of Bill, a pretty good auto mechanic. His shop was quite popular. Keeping his prices affordable, however, reduced his income below acceptable levels. Instead of raising prices, Bill decided to try moonlighting in the evenings (so to speak). The best paying job he could find was in a local circumcision ward.

Alas, the job did … Read the rest...

Sir Rodney

Chris Cole tells this us story about the Wizard of Id cartoon series.

I still vividly remember one from almost 30 years ago wherein Sir Rodney desired to take out a personal loan at the bank. A friend of mine showed me the Sunday strip, which I had to read and then had to think about to “get” the inferred PUNch line. Sir Rodney was asked to put up some collateral to secure the loan, against which the bank would … Read the rest...

Convent Wear

By Rick Sapir in the Pundit (sent to groaners listserv).

It seems that when the Holy Angels Convent was trying to save money, it sent out the nuns’ faded clothing to be reconditioned. Unfortunately, when the things came back they were not of a uniform color. The businessman who did the work denied responsibility. He righteously proclaimed that . . . “Everybody knows that old habits dye hard.”… Read the rest...

Cutting Up

This is from the prolific Chris Cole.

Seems a local eccentric (with WAY too much time on his hands) loved to take his riding lawnmower into strange neighborhoods and cut people’s grass while they were asleep. In the morning they’d awaken to newly-mown lawns up and down the street. The local newspaper kept tabs on where this anonymous grass cutter would strike next. A recent headline proclaimed in bold print: The Lawn Stranger Rides Again!… Read the rest...

Antenable Tale

This was posted by Steve Poge in alt.humor.puns.

A few years ago in my back garden there was this ant hill, where all the wood ants lived. This was right near the gate at the back, and we let them live there, because they weren’t causing any hassle, or eating the foundations or anything like that. Now ,you know how ants have loads of different levels in their colonies for different things like larval nurseries, well these ants were even … Read the rest...


From Randall Woodman [rwoodman@HOME.COM], This was published on the Groaners listserv.

There was this monkey that had been trained in a laboratory to eat using a fork. The monkey called the fork his “three-point-tool” because it had the three points.

One day, he escaped back to the jungle, taking his three point tool with him. However, he lost it, and so he set out to find it.

First he went up to a giraffe. “Hello, Giraffe,” said the monkey. “Have … Read the rest...

Once a Pod a Time

Another Original from Chris Cole.

Various professions have lofty ideals they pursue. In the agricultural realm there is the pursuit of the perfectly-shaped pea. An annual contest is held in which randomly selected bushel baskets from each pea crop are given to professional sorters. Their goal is to eliminate all the odd-shaped peas from the batch, with only perfectly round peas remaining. The most offending shape to be discarded was that of a bell. Peas shaped like that were to … Read the rest...

Instruments of Destruction

This timely tale is by Chris Cole (

In the latest spate of military action against Iraq, Sadam Hussein’s military was lured into firing upon over 6 dozen tiny, unarmed remotely-controlled aircraft, thinking they were incoming cruise missles. In doing so, they didn’t notice the main incoming attack force until it was too late. The Iraqi press denounced this “evil” deception by the “Great Satan United States” with the following headline: 76 Bomb Drones in the Big Charade!… Read the rest...

Best Twitches

by Alan B. Combs

This is derivative, oh yes, but it is mine. There have been several “Ghandi” submissions on the pun lists the last couple of weeks. About two years ago in alt.callahans, there was a similar spate of variations on the Mary Poppins song. The following is based upon one that I did at that time and which for several reasons could not be published.

Ms. Espy, an empathetic soul, lived in an east coast tenement building. One … Read the rest...