All posts for the month January, 1998

Journalist’s Pitch

I received this from Steve Brown. Very nice.

Not many of you realize that, just after graduating from NMSU, I had a short stint in the minor leagues as a pitcher (although, those of you who have been on the receiving end of one of my snowballs may have suspected that).

But, this one memory of an otherwise-unillustrious career does come to mind.

In my first start for the New Mexico Tumbleweeds (just barely semi-pro), the leadoff batter, Billy Rand, … Read the rest...

Shots Up to date

This timely gem was submitted by Lynda Goldsmith.

There is a new movie to be avoided. Picture the scene, a big creaky tub of a wooden boat, already condemned in three countries and which is being used illegally to transport refugees. The deck is splintered, the nails are falling out, the people, thin and barefoot, are crammed on the deck.

First one person becomes sick and dies with severe convulsions, then several do. It’s an epidemic to which even our … Read the rest...

Toast, Henri Fontaine

By Alan B. Combs. I posted this one to alt.callahans a couple of years ago (1998, actually). I don’t find it in my shaggy data base, so here it is, again.

Instead of the sadder tributes found elsewhere in the Place, Alan wants to propose a happy toast, a toast to one of the Lesser Lights who may not be so well known to the Patrons, but who should be more famous — Monsieur Henri Fontaine.

Henri was born a … Read the rest...

How Ironic

This is an old one posted in alt.humor.puns by Robert Payes. Thank you.

It’s said that, during the reign of Czar Nicholas II, an American visitor to the royal court was boasting about the Grand Canyon. Nicholas, not to be outdone by a mere American, retorted that Mother Russia had its own canyon, one that dwarfed the American’s puny excuse for a canyon.

“Show me!” insisted the American. Nicholas agreed, and the two undertook a trip to the site of … Read the rest...

Coffee Jokes

by Alan B. Combs (who saw it once in a cartoon)

The topic of coffee jokes came up in the P.U.N.Y. (Punsters United Nearly Yearly) group to which I suscribe. I could only think of young, bovine vampires.

How does this relate to coffee, do ye ask?

Calf fiend, of course.… Read the rest...

Abandon all hope…

This came to me from Scarlett via Ulf Zimmerman (welcome back, Scarlett).

A young woman named Bernice was exceptionally fond of bright, even garish-colored clothes. In her native Haiti, women took great pride in picking only the brightest cloth for their dresses to assure they would look exciting in contrast to their otherwise drab surroundings. When she took a job as a secretary at the University in an office decorated in boring beige, throughout, she redoubled her efforts to wear … Read the rest...

Affirmative Actions

Originally received by Gatotomaso from SweePea (both of P.U.N.Y.)

OK, you know that in Hollywood, every producer has his “Yes Man” whose job it is to follow the producer around and say, “Yes, CB,” “Right, CB” and so on. Well, one of these Yes Men got depressed, so down in fact that he was unable to function. So he consulted a psychiatrist. The psychiatrist quickly determined the problem, and told the Yes Man that he just had to find a … Read the rest...

Old Lady, Oh!

This came from BevJoe. Thanks, Bev.

There were two brothers who were national yodeling champions. One day their car broke down out in the middle of nowhere, and they had to put up at a farmhouse. As fate always has it, there was a beautiful farmer’s daughter at the house.

The two brothers had a way of communicating over several miles by yodeling to each other. One particular yodel (ay-la-de-o-la-te-tu) signaled trouble, and meant for the other one to run.… Read the rest...

Light Saver

I received this pun from BevJoe. It originally came from Stan Kegel.

The ship was sinking and four sailors were able to get a lifeboat into the water and climb into it, safely. As they relaxed, they decided to have a cigarette and relax a few moments before starting their journey to safety. The cigarettes were dry but all their matches had become wet and they had no way to light their cigarettes. Finally, one of the sailors came up … Read the rest...

Non-PC Upgrade

This is from Chris Cole. He calls it, “another orginal synapse hiccup…”

Then, there was the lovely young computer genius who has suffered from self-esteem, and thought she was too flat-chested. So she did what any computer-type would do…she got a silicone mammary upgrade!… Read the rest...