All posts for the month October, 1996

Classic about Indecision

This is a popular oldie that exists in several versions.

The most traditional version concerns the confused young man who couldn’t decide whether to mary Kathryn or Edith. Try as he might, he just could not make up his mind. Unwilling to give up either, he strung them along for far too long. This indecision continued until both young women got tired of the situation and left him for good.

Moral of the story: You can’t have your Kate and … Read the rest...

Lethal Makeup

Earlier today, my girlfriend was brushing on some stuff onto her eyelashes that I never saw her wear before. I asked her if she ever used it before, and she said that she used it only once a year. I asked her why, and she said…

“It’s my St. Valentine’s day mascara.”

Read the rest...

Alan JacksPUN

by Alan B. Combs

Alan has been participating in several of the more serious deliberations here in alt.callahans. He decides it is time to step back and apply lubrication (or is that lugubrication?) to the punny bone.

We will all miss John Barnstead until he comes back, and when he does we will throw peanuts. I owe John, Magus, and several of the others the concept of the long story with imbedded puns and a sustained punch line. I am … Read the rest...

Political Refusal

This was posted by Steve Poge in alt.humor.puns.

There was once a marauding hedgehog named Norman. Not many people were aware that he didn’t work alone; much of the time he was accompanied by Celeste, a giant shark. I didn’t realize it myself, until I spent a vacation in the Islands. Unfortunately, I happened to pick a time when both of them were terrorizing the countryside.

One day I went down to the beach prepared to do some jogging and … Read the rest...

Flippin’ Strange

This version was posted by Steve Poge in alt.humor.puns.

A spokesperson for the U.S. Mint announced that a new fifty-cent piece was being issued to honor two great American patriots. On one side of the coin would be Theodore Roosevelt, on the other, Nathan Hale. Asked why two people were going to be on the same coin, the official replied, “Now, when you have a coin toss, you can simply call “Teds, or Hales!!!”… Read the rest...

Practically time to eat

This version was posted by Steve Poge in alt.humor.puns.

At one time, there was a Sea Scout camp outside of Norfolk, Virginia. It was so close to the beach that the porpoises could be seen swimming in to shore at dinnertime. The camp’s chef would announce the meal by yelling, “It’s chow time for all in tents — and porpoises!”… Read the rest...

Keeping tab on the score

This was posted by Steve Poge in alt.humor.puns. Another version can be found in “Bred Any Good Rooks Lately.”

When my father retired, he needed something to keep him busy. Being of good voice, he decided to join a choir. My mother, suspecting he was doing this just to meet younger women, agreed, but just as long as it was an all male group. After an extensive search he found the only all male choir in the state. This group … Read the rest...

Ride the Tilt-a-World

This is by Ming Ka-Lin (Magus Firecow). It was posted on alt.callahans.

Magus Firecow looks up from the manuscript that has been holding his attention. “Hey everybody, I’ve just finished reading this, it’s proof of life on Mars. The Sojourner mission (the real one, not the faked pictures they keep showing everybody) has found a copy of an old Martian play. Here’s a synopsis. A man from Mars decides to visit the shroud covered planet of Venus, of which almost … Read the rest...

Shaggy Triad

by Alan B. Combs

There are two common threads in each of these three stories. First, they are about a very famous family. Second, each of these stories has a common punchline or moral. Come along with me as I tell you tales about the Stocking family.

Late in the last century, the Stocking Uncles were notorious cattle rustlers in the Chimney Hill area near Austin (frequently accompanied by an ancestor of our own Dr. Kehrer). These ne’er-do-wells were the … Read the rest...

Rock On

This was originally posted by Hauke Reddmann of Germany.

Yesterday I went into an antiquarian music store, wanting to buy a Mick Jagger solo album. Unfortunatedly, I tripped, and the Jagger LP went flew out of my hand like a frisbee and broke two records featuring Jim McGuinn, David Crosby, Chris Hillman, Gene Clark and Michael Clarke.

Sadly, I had to pay.. As he was collecting the damages, the owner said, “You killed two Byrds with one Stone!”… Read the rest...