A friend of mine is very inclined to religious fundamentalism. Among other groups, he has been studying the Quakers, the Mennonites, and the Amish. He just cannot decide whom to join, and this has become a source of great confusion and anguish to him. Hypertension and cardiac symptoms have resulted. Finally, he heard some very helpful advice in a TV advertisement – “Ask your doctor if your heart is strong enough for sects.”… Read the rest...
This one is making the rounds. No idea what the original source is, but Richard Lederer sent it to us.
Mike Franklin sent in this one that’s making the rounds.
How to tell the sex of an Ant?
Place Ant in glass of water.
If it sinks: Girl Ant
If it floats…..… Read the rest...
Another submission from Mike Franklin.
There is a new wine available for seniors who have problems getting up often to urinate at night —
A single glass at night could mean a peaceful, uninterrupted nights sleep.
I kid you not…
California vintners in the Napa Valley area, which primarily produce Pinot Blanc, Pinot Noir, and Pinot Grigio wines, have developed a new hybrid grape that acts as an anti-diuretic.
It is expected to reduce the number of trips older people … Read the rest...
Mike Franklin submitted three variants of this seasonal pun.
I used to know a guy who absolutely loved hollandaise sauce. He would buy the sharpest brand he could find and would put it on just about everything. Well it turned out that because he used the spicy sauce so much, it started to wear down a hole on the roof of his mouth. He went to a doctor and asked what he could do about it. The doctor looks at … Read the rest...
Knowledge of Premier League football will help with this submission by Dave Wallace.
Like many of us, I’m embarrassed when I can’t remember the name of a person after our initial introduction.
My local coffee shop proprietor introduced me to her new worker, Chelsea, recently.
Now, I want you to know that I have a system for remembering names by spotting some characteristic of that person and creating an association, or index as a prompt or hint to recall the … Read the rest...
Mike Franklin sent in this little adventure of our friend Ferdinand Feghoot.
On a December trip to Frostbite Falls, Minnesota, Ferdinand Feghoot was summoned to the local college, Wossamotta U. by Inspector Fenwick, the Chief of Police. There he was confronted with an appalling scene. Bullwinkle, the town’s leading citizen, had been smashed flatter than a kippered herring by a falling safe.
“It’s a common enough means of death for cartoon characters,” Fenwick opined. “Every year we lose five or … Read the rest...
Submitted by Mike Franklin.
Three women die together in an accident
And go to heaven.
When they get there, St. Peter says,
‘We only have one rule here in heaven:
Don’t step on the ducks!’
So they enter heaven, and sure enough,
There are ducks all over the place.
It is almost impossible not to step on a duck,
And although they try their best to avoid them,
The first woman accidentally steps on one.
Along comes St. Peter with … Read the rest...
This seasonal, somewhat shaggy submission is from Joe Blake, who says:
“A very new pun. Not sure if the rest of the world knows who Lara Bingle is, but remember Google is your friend.”
Super model, Lara Bingle, decided that she was going to introduce her new range of beauty and hygiene gel products with a super Christmas promo. For one week people would be able to attempt, in one of the upmarket trendmarkets, to guess how much a huge … Read the rest...
Ralph D. Jeffords said the following:
“I’ve noted that you don’t have this classic classical music composers pun. As per usual I was not satisfied with the original so have tripled the number of entries on the list to extend the groan potential.”
HAYDN’S CHOPIN LISZT AT VIVALDI’S GENERAL STORE:
Rossini and cheese
beans and Francks
Clementi and biscuits
Delius sliced ham
Fresh Mozart-rella cheese
Oscar Meyerbeer bologna
PACKAGED … Read the rest...